It's a long road, but I'm taking it one step at a time...

My Mini-Goal

8/08/10 to 8/31/10-to lose 6 lbs this month

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I'm just hanging onto my spiritual anchor. Now I've got...

bleeding hemerrhoids. So you can imagine how thrilled I am.

This month just gets better & better.

Tomorrow I turn 41. About 3/4 weeks ago I was seriously ready for a big celebration... now I just want to get rid of the kids and curl up on the sofa and not work and watch House and Lost (the 2 shows my husband and I have gotten into on Netflix because we don't have cable tv) ro maybe old musicals to cheer me up.

I'm not really depressed like manic... I'm just tired. It's been a rough summer. I am hanging in.

Thank Goddess & God in situations like this I have Them to rely  on, to pray to, to seek guidance and comfort. I close my eyes and pray to Them and They remind me of the bigger picture... They remind me that it's okay, life is overall wonderful but can get overwhelming sometimes. They remind me that we are doing the right things and that things will always find balance and I will be centered again.

Even when you are broke and bleeding out of the butt, there is always hope and a better day to look to.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I am so screwed... rough patches...

Okay I am having some problems. Every time I start typing I turn around and the type is gone.

This is my 3rd attempt at this post.

I am FUCKING STRESSED. And I did not cuss the first time I posted it but it is starting to piss me off.

Anyway... new development.

My son’s b-day is this month so I worked my butt off to get up an extra $250 for his video game he wanted... he wanted to forgo any party/outing, he was willing to do anything. And he is such a great kid. He really is... he does his work and is responsible and cooks and cleans and he gets me a drink or coffee when I’m working and he is such a protective older brother (and my younger son is quite a handful).

So I really wanted to get it for him. You know, like it breaks my heart because we are not the kind of parents that buy kids things all the time... in fact they almost don't get anything other than birthdays and holidays. We are frugal and low budget and I refuse to spend money on little crap all the time, I'd rather save up and get them something nice twice a year that they really want.

So then my mother calls and tells me she’s having trouble with bills and this freaking agency she is trying to get help from is giving her the run-around and I offer to take care of her electric bill because she can’t pay it.

So I ask my husband if he minds, and he says no.

Here it requires a little background— hubby has some learning disabilities and has trouble with comprehension sometimes. Like when we used to stop at Dunkin Donuts once in a while I’d get a cinnamon bun, but once I asked for a maple frosted coffee roll, but he can’t order that when he gets to the counter because in his mind, we get cinnamon rolls here.

Or like if I put on one show at night to be on as background noise when I am working, but I feel like watching another show, he’ll still put on the first one, because in his mind, that’s what I watch. It takes him a while to switch gears.

So Thursday morning he borrowed the car from my friend & neighbor to go run an errand. And they were talking about the electric bill and comparing bills.

So he comes home and I told him my mother needs money for electric, he was thinking of this friend = needs electric bill money.

So I ask him, as he is going to drop off my daughter at my mother’s house, to please pick it up and give the money to her.

So today my mother calls me and is like, “well I hate to pester but you said you’d pay my bill and it’s overdue, are you going to be able to?”

So I said I thought he did... so I asked him if he brought my mother the money for the electric and he’s like, “I gave her the money for the bill.” My mother is on the phone arguing he didn’t.

Then he realized... he gave friend/neighbor the money. He walked up to her door and handed her the money and said, “here is the money for the electric, don’t worry about it.”

Basically I approached him right after his conversation with her so his mind was fixated on her needing electric bill money.

So she’s a single mom out of work and having some issues, and pays her bill, thinking we’re just being really nice. So that’s gone and it’s not coming back.

So now I had to pay my mother’s bill today, too.

So there went the money I saved for the freaking video game and his birthday is today. I have money... for my damn bill. But if I pay it, I will have to deeply disappoint my son whose friends are sleeping over and who he borrowed games for the night to use and saved his own money to buy them pizza.

And if I buy the game, I am going to be late with my bill and it’s going to be due right around rent time and I am going to have to work off my butt again for the next 2 or 3 weeks putting in extra hours.

And either way, we’re basically not going to be able to afford anything but Ramen Noodles to eat this week... no fresh produce; we’ve got some meat in the fridge but I thought I was going to have some money left for shopping.

I just feel so stressed this summer with everything... lost the car, lost his job, my daughter lost just about everything she had going for her, I’m working my butt off to keep up and losing my sanity.

And I can’t even talk to the two people I’d usually talk about this to– my friend or my mother or my husband– because I don’t want them to feel bad because of what happened.

And this stress is not helping me lose weight at all, I can tell you... no I haven’t been out binging or anything but honestly who the hell has time to count calories and now I’m not even going to be able to afford decent food, we’re going to have to go uber-cheap, which means Ramen and rice and other things I really shouldn’t be eating because eating them makes me really really hungry.

And I can’t seem to get myself together to do anything and I feel I am in desperate need of some amino acid vitamins because I nearly had 3 breakdowns this week which means my neurotransmitters are low probably because my brain is so frazzled.

Please don’t give up on me, I am hanging in there... anyone still with me? I’m having such a hard time.

Saturday, August 14, 2010


No real change. Still my sleeping schedule is messed up, because I get up and I am always playing catch-up or just too tired to do anything now, and have not even had the energy to get myself together to do my order spell... which I will.

My dearest darling hubby who has been working a lot of odd jobs this week painting has offered to help me with the kids and the chores and anything else that comes up so I can focus on getting my sleep schedule straight and work.

And I have agreed to take Sunday off, come what may, and to take that 1 day off per week no matter how far behind, because it seems that I just get further behind if I keep trying to push through.

So hopefully by Monday morn I'll be ready to get up and at 'em in the morning.

Meanwhile, my son, turning 12 on Tuesday, who has wanted to be a chef since age 4 and who dreams of being on Iron Chef or challenging Bobby Flay to a Throwdown, is going to start taking more cooking responsibilities by preparing our meals a couple days per week.

I wish there was some classes for kids his age around here for cooking, but there isn't. He's so into it. I will not be surprised if this has just always been his calling and he ends up a chef.

I have to admit, I have tasted some of the recipes he invented, and the boy does have skills.

So my husband and I were talking and think he's of an age where he can use this interest/skill to take a little more responsibility in the household.

I've been cooking with him for a really long time and he has learned basic kitchen safety, like how to cut properly with fingers curled under and how to be careful working with the hot pots & pans on the stove, etc. and I'll be right there in the kitchen at the table doing things while he is cooking to supervise, but I'm going to step into the background a little more and let him start getting a little more independent with this.

For parents concerned about teaching their kids healthy eating habits, I think it is good to do things together like shopping together, planning meals, cooking together, definitely sitting down as a family at least a few nights a week eating a healthy home-cooked meal, and even gardening-- even if it's just a windowbox herb garden. It gets kids excited about food... real food... and seems to me they are more willing to try new things and eat more of a variety than kids who grow up on boxed mac & cheese and chicken nuggets eating alone at the tv or something. And the earlier I think we instill these habits, the better it is... the easier they will take.

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