It's a long road, but I'm taking it one step at a time...

My Mini-Goal

8/08/10 to 8/31/10-to lose 6 lbs this month

Thursday, December 31, 2009

T'was the Night Before...

Well, tonight we kiss 2009 and the ought decade good-bye, and tomorrow ushers in a new day, new month, new year, and new decade.

And at 40, I'm hoping this marks my 1/2 life mark, not my 3/4 or 9/10 life mark.

Mercury is in retrograde, so I don't plan any heavy spell work for a couple of weeks. Jan 15th I plan to have a full-blown ritual at the new moon... but until then, I'm "going within."

Reflection... that's what the time now is for. Reflection on the past and what has brought me to this point in my journey. After midnight, I am doing a meditation to take myself back into my past and look at all the key moments in my life that guided me here. Hopefully they will provide some insight. I plan to journal after the meditation and I will let you know what I come up with when I post tomorrow night.

Tonight for dinner... frozen pizza, salad, & probably my last soda for a long time. Soda pop is a trigger food for me so I usually don't buy them and keep them in the house unless it's a holiday or occasion... however the grocery store was giving bottles of Coke away with a purchase of a frozen pizza.

Oh, did I mention I am quitting smoking tonight, too? I know I know... double whammy. But might as well. Ciggs are getting expensive, and I don't want to smoke more when I can't munch, replacing one bad habit with another, so I might as well try to toss them both and get over it. I'm not a heavy smoker. I go days without smoking, and days when I have a few ciggs.

I mainly smoke when I work, or during times of extreme stress. I used to smoke in social situations, but now since you're not allowed to smoke in just about any social setting, I don't do that any more. I figure some times it won't bother me at all, sometimes it'll drive me a bit batty. I've got to learn to work through that though.

Happy New Year everybody.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


Salutations. Please, call me bloojay.

Well, I'm 40 years old and somewhere along the line I realized I have begun to resemble Jabba the Hut. That won't do at all, will it?

You may be wondering how I let myself get to the point of weighing an unimaginable 375 pounds. I've been wondering that myself really, and the answer is, I don't exactly know. It's not like there was any single tragedy in my life, or any single time I decided to throw caution into the wind and begin chowing down like there was no tomorrow. It happened little by little. I suppose it is a combination of many reasons: bad habits, lack of discipline, genetics, addiction to food, upbringing, psychological issues, physical ailments... I could probably go on, but the sum total of all the parts is 375.

I've been thinking for a long time now that something has to be done about this. It's scary, though. I gave up "dieting" and "fitness" years ago because it seemed that every time I tried I would fall off the wagon and end up 20 or 30 pounds heavier than I was when I started.

But every night I lay down, waiting, wondering when the heart attack will come, wondering if I'll get to see my children finish growing up, wondering if my dear husband will be left alone to fend for himself, wondering what would become of my family if they lost me. It's hard to think about that.

It's also frustrating, because I know how hard it's going to be, that the odds are against me.
I can't afford any more failures.

I'm not one for New Years resolutions, but I feel the time has come, and the first day of a new decade is creeping up, so it feels as good a time to begin as any.

You may also be wondering why I am bringing Witchcraft into this. Well, I believe in Witchcraft. I started practicing Witchcraft about 19 years ago when I converted to the religion of Wicca. Witchcraft and my faith have helped me tackle many challenges and helped me achieve many goals, both small and great.

I realized how much my weight is affecting all aspects of my life when I realized that I haven't even been practicing the 'Craft very much at all in recent years. I simply haven't had the energy to pursue more than I absolutely had to. After caring for my family, home & work, there was little energy left to do much else.

And I had to wonder, why?

Why have I let this problem take up so much of my life that I've given up so many things I used to enjoy?

And why am I not using one of the most powerful weapons in my arsenal to tackle this problem head on once and for all?

I need to get healthy. I can do this. I must do this.

If Witchcraft has taught me one thing over the years, it's that I have the power to control my life. As the Charge of the Goddess (by Doreen Valiente) says,
if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without. So I'm not looking to fad diet plans, surgeries, or any external means to solve my biggest problem. I'm going within myself, and using my own personal power-- the power of my mind, the power of my spirit, the power of my faith-- to find the strength and means to achieve my goal and save my life.

This may be my last chance.

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