Rites of Passage

Happy July!

Look at my photos compared-- I deliberately wore the same shirt in this photo today that I wore in the photo I used from last December as my "before" or "starting weight" photo.

The difference is getting noticable after 6 months, and I can't help but wonder what it will look like after 12 months.

Makes me wonder why I ever gave up in the past when weight loss wasn't happening quickly enough for me-- I mean, isn't slowly better than not at all? No, at this age and with my metabolism that I probably screwed up with yo-yo dieting, it is pretty slow going for me... but had I given up because of that, I'd still look like the picture on the left, wouldn't I?

So, guess what I did last night?

I held a little party with myself. Just me, on my porch, with my cup of tea. It was my 6 month anniversary of my "clean living" New Year's resolution.

I lit a candle to Goddess and God and made an offering in thanks for the strength, comfort and guidance They have continuously provided for me to draw on through this time. I gave myself a pat on the back for not packing it in when things got hard and for making it this far and getting over any roadblocks and picking myself up and moving on again. I sat down and pondered my accomplishments, great and small, one by one.

I believe formal rites of passage are an important part of my religion and my practice of the Craft. It helps ease transitions. To me, a small rite of passage like this is a bit like closure for the things that led me here, and opens the doors to the next step. It's stopping to acknowledge the accomplishment, put any mistakes in the past and move forward. A rest point to look back at how far I've come and look forward to where I am going. It may not be a major checkpoint on the road, but a 6 month anniversary is certainly a minor one for me and acknowledging it gave me a sense of peace and a renewed optimism for the next half of the year.


And speaking of rites of passage-- my baby has a big one coming this weekend. My daughter, my first born, turns 20 this weekend, and I celebrate 20 years of being a mother, and the USA celebrates the anniversary of it's day of independence.

We are throwing a party to celebrate the events. My daughter is coming over, nanny, and a few of our closer friends and their kids. My husband is going to barbecue, splash about in the pool, finish the day off with a birthday cake and a few fire works. I have to admit, I am excited, partly because I haven't been out much this year... so many changes going on, I've kind of withdrawn a lot socially. And my daughter has been so busy job hunting and with school she has barely come to visit all Spring. And my mother rarely comes over my house. So I am really looking forward to it!

I am serving a combination of party food, some for the "health concerns" and some for those who basically don't worry about it: tortillas & salsa, some other kind of veggie tray appetizer I haven't decided on yet, ribs, pulled chicken (my own recipe-- delicious yet way less fat than pulled pork) and sausage with peppers & onions. My husband's famous potato salad, a low-fat cole slaw I found a new love for in my Cook Yourself Think book and some grilled veggies, a cucumber, tomato & basil salad with a splash of olive oil & herbs, a birthday cake, ice cream & watermelon.

My husband and I are a little nervous about being around all that food, but we've agreed to be careful, yet we've agreed not to be overly-militant and deprive ourselves of half the food. If this is going to be a lifestyle, we've got to learn how to get through holidays and parties.

Anyone doing anything fun for the holiday weekend?

If you're concerned about your weight, how do you plan to help keep from over-indulging?

Tips would be great.

Happy holiday everyone!

He Unleashed the Beast, and it Scared Him...

My husband. I think he's got it.

He got on the scale the other day, something he rarely does, and is still shocked at the number-- his highest weight was 406 (that I know of, since I've known him), though he was not at his highest when he started this (more like around 370). He's do down to 332, which he probably hasn't been since his late teens. I'm a bit pissed because he's passed me and now weighs less than I do, but that's another story. We have a bet running of who can get under 330 first. Today he put on a pair of pants he has not worn in  a long time and he is swimming in them-- they are at least 2 sizes too big.

Yesterday was a major lesson for him and I think that lightbulb is finally going on in his head.

We went out with the kids to see Toy Story 3 (loved it-- cried though). We then went for pizza-- the good NY style, not the crappy kind that tastes like you spray-painted the cardboard. It's not a food choice we can indulge in a lot, but still reasonable, we agreed, as long as we were able to be careful the rest of the day, it was a nice little treat.

Well, we have not eaten "white carbs" in weeks, because I noted how addicted we both are to them and he has been good about staying off them as per my judgement. We just have not kept them in the house- only 100% whole wheat bread (no corn syrup or hidden white flour), brown rice, etc. not even cereal.

So eating the pizza yesterday unleashed the beast. Every person who has every struggled with weight issues knows what I am talking about-- that little beast deep down inside that sniffs the air, smells the junk food, rises and roars and begins to pound your brain with relentless thoughts, demanding feed me! feed me! feed me! More! More! More!

Now in the last few weeks, he has had to settle for just one chicken breast or one potato or 1 cup of cereal when he is used to more, and for the most part he has been dealing with it.

Not this time. The beast's tenacity in his head was almost blinding, making him want to binge. Making him want to buy and extra pizza and eat half of it. Making him want to snatch slices off the plates of his children and chomp them down in two massive bites and stuff pizza and bread and food down his throat until he was filled to the brim. He had to step outside as we finished our meal.

It scared him. He said he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to go back to eating white carbs, at least not on even a semi-regular basis; maybe real special occasions. Definitely not for a long time again, not until he's lost more weight and gotten a better grip on the new habits. And most definitely not to have it just lying around the house.

Now that he is somewhat "detoxed" and out from under the influence of these white carbs, he finally seems to be realizing that these white carbs and high fructose corn syrup/high sugar foods are dangerous to him; that they have a powerful drug-like effect on him. Now that he's away from them he is able to step back and understand just how much they have done to him-- always kept his hunger high and appetite huge, always prevented him from truly "tasting" and enjoying other foods (I swear, I think they dull your taste buds), always kept him thinking he could not possibly live without them and that it was better to be morbidly obese than to live without them.

And finally, he's not making excuses. He's not taking the "food's side" this time. He's not saying, "I know it's bad for me, but what are you going to do? I'm hungry, and this is what I eat."

Previously I have described his relationship with food as a Romeo & Juliet thing-- as if they were two star-crossed lovers that everyone wants to keep apart. And that even if  he has to keep away from it, he's always secretly thinking about food like, "My dearest, I love you, I shall count the hours till we meet again."

And now, it's like Romeo is looking at Juliet, disillusioned, thinking, "Wow, you are so not the woman I thought you were."

He's also realizing that, Yes, Virginia, fat is not a permanent state of being. Yes, it is possible, even for someone so thick headed, to lose body weight. And, yes, it can even be done without giving up human food entirely and surviving on rabbit food. He's starting to realize what a "real" portion is, compared to "his" portions-- and more importantly, to realize he doesn't need "his" portion size to be satisfied. He's starting to realize that healthy food can mean lasana, rice & beans, burgers & crispy baked chicken with cole slaw (what we are eating tonight). It doesn't have to mean deprivation and dispair and loss.

By George, I think he's getting it. This actually leaves me having to pick my jaw up off the floor because, Goddess love him, as good a husband and dad as he is, these kinds of lessons just don't easily seep through that thick skull. And they finally are.

Great now I am crying. Not only for him... that he might be able to prolong his life and be healthier, but for me.

Because he used to be a huge sabbotage of my attempts. He'd keep bringing foods I can't handle into the house. He'd eat them in front of me. When I would have weak moments, he thought he was actually helping me by offering me food. Because he thought instant gratification was such a good thing, he thought he was doing a good thing by telling me "Eat. Come on. I'll buy you Oreos. I'll go get you McDonalds. Don't sit here miserable, just eat." I began to worry that I'd never be able to do this living with him, and that my kids were doomed to have the same outlook and, with our genes, inevitably suffer the consequences.

So he's on board... he finally "gets it," which means the light at the end of the tunnel just got a whole lot stronger..

Breaking Through...

For almost a month I have teetered back and forth between 336 and 340, not due to any real diet problems but mostly due to natural fluctuations of water retention. I have finally broken through that plateau and am down to 335.

This is the first time in my life I have tackled and broken through a weight loss plateau. It is usually a time of such stress and depression and frustration, and I end up giving into those negative feelings, giving into the instant gratification with the thought I am sacrificing so much! It's not paying off! Why bother? This was the point where I normally gave up, matter conquering over mind.

This time I actually got through it with calm, peace, and confidence. This time patience and wisdom won out. I have broken through with a sigh of satifaction and am ready now to move on to the next level.

I also used a different strategy. I did not get tough and restrict my calories any more through the plateau. My theory was that, if my body was trying to clamp down and hold onto energy, why not let it have it's energy. I still ate within reason-- below approximately 1800 calories a day (estimation), sticking to lots of veggies, fruits, whole grain carbs, etc., but I did not get desperate.

My next mini-goal is getting down 10 more pounds-- that's 325, that's 50 pounds lost, that's 1/3 of my journey complete.

Now that I have broken through the plateau, I think I might get a little stricter and bump up the exercise a little more to try to get to that 10 pound goal, I am hoping by the end of August. But if I may let a little optimism slide in.... maybe sooner?

I made all these Scott Cunningham Magical Weight-Loss Bath herbal bundles, I might as well use them and see what they can do when I'm not on a plateau.

On a funnier note, my darling husband-- who himself is another 3 pounds down mind you!-- is addicted to green smoothies now, and particularly loved the ones I made yesterday with lemon balm and stevia. He looked at my small potted plants on the porch container garden and I explained to him that I had never used them as much but if we used them every day our use would outpace the plant's ability to replenish. He has decided we need more plants-- more lemon balm, more stevia, and more other flavor mints like apple mint and pineapple mint and chocolate mint to try in our green smooties. I find it funny that all of a sudden he is interested in gardening.

But you think I'm going to argue if I get more plants out of it?

Yeah... right...

"But I don't like vegetables..." and other lame excuses

What makes a child happy? -- instant gratification. When he fell down and brusied his knee, give him a cookie, he's happy again. Had a bad day, take him to his favorite arcade for an hour and he'll perk right up. Someone teasted him, buy him a toy. Instant happiness. Children don't understand the long-term value or benefits of restraint when something they want is put in front of them.

I'm thinking how this just doesn't fly with adults.

Some of us (totally guilty-- I am not lecturing anyone here, but just having thoughts that involve myself as well) still have an immature attitude and thrive on that instant gratification-- I know my husband does and admits it is one of his biggest problems. Sure, instant gratification feels good-- at first..

But it's a trap. A lot of times, that instant gratification feels good for about an instant, but then leads to more problems that make me unhappy.

Some of my proudest accomplisments and most treasured things in life are not things I got instantly, but that I had to work and sacrifice for... they were not instant, they cost me some sweat, tears, deprivation, endurance, I had to work and focus and stick with it and pass up a whole lot of other opportunities-- but when I achieved the goal, the long-term gratification exceeded the 100 or so moments of instant gratification I had to pass up on to get there.

So why is it that some adults cannot grow out of that instant gratification mode? And this is not just with food, but with education, finances, lifestyle-- even raising kid (how many people fall into giving into the tantrum to get the kid to quickly stop over sticking to their guns and being firm with the discipline?).

This is why people who succeed have certain things in common-- they are tenatious, they go after the bigger goals, they have endurance for the long-term, they don't give into the instant gratification temptation as often, they see the bigger picture and are willing to make the necessary sacrifices to get there in the long term.

I guess I see that a lot with health and fitness and diet.

I remember I grew up in a household in a land where veggies didn't exist. Veggies were butter-laden high carb canned corn and mashed potatoes, maybe cucumbers & lettuce on Sundays, and a couple of sliced up tomatoes on your hero sandwiches.

I had decided, in some point in my teens or early 20s, that I was going to learn to like vegetables. I was already on the yo-yo dieting band-wagon since age 14 (even though I wasn't really fat, my mother made me believe I was, and dieting became a cat-and-mouse game of power & control for her. I was the mouse-- more on that another day). Anyway... I had read an article that said you can acquire the taste for different foods by eating them. Studies showed it took only 10 to 15 times for you to eat a food before you start learning to like it.

So, I started with my most hated vegetable-- broccoli-- to see if it had any truth to it. Three times per week, I would buy a bunch and steam the flourettes. Put them in a bowl with a little parmasean cheese, and eat them. First week they didn't go down well; second week, they went down easier; third week I actually started to like it. I learned to love broccoli, green beans, spinach, sweet potatoes, asparagus, collard greens, brussel sprouts, cabbage, all kinds of squash, etc... and my tastes had begun to evolve so that it didn't even take me 10 to 15 times. Some I began liking right off the bat.

Anyway, that's how I learned to love vegetables, and got my husband into it too.

So I remember I had this friend... she was always overweight as long as I'd known her, a lot worse than I was (of course, my self-image was distorted back then, I hardly qualified as fat at all but thought I was huge). She was really steadfast in working, saving, etc... she was a bit of a recluse though, didn't get out much, hated exercise and her biggest pasttime was sitting around watching tv. She also loved to eat.

She almost never talked about health and fitness. But one day she mentioned how she had decided to try and lose weight, that she'd been coming home every night eating big servings of vegetables-- corn and potatoes.

I said, "those are not really counted as vegetables, though."

She was seriously taken aback. "What do you mean they're not vegetables?"

"Well, they're high-startch vegetables; they actually count as a serving of carbohydrates. They have few nutrients. You should try green and yellow vegetables like spinach and broccoli and zucchini, or salads."

Her jaw dropped, and she yelled at me, "But I don't like vegetables except corn and potatoes!" She yelled at me as if I had personally decided to change the molecular structure of food just to ruin her diet plan, and as if I should change it right away to make potatoes and corn have the same properties as kale.

I didn't want to argue. I just said something along the lines of, "Look, it's one of those things where you do what you need to do, or you don't. I just wanted you to know that lots of potatoes & corn should be counted as carbs so you don't sabbotage yourself."

I think that was the end of dieting with her. We lost touch after I moved across country, however as I was browsing some "health and fitness" forums, I was reminded of her. There are two points that are probably most common to all of the people seeking weight-loss help. 1) they want to do it fast and 2) they don't want to eat vegetables.

And it brought me to pondering the whole 1) instant gratification thing and the 2) not willing to make sacrifices and do what is necessary to achieve a long-term goal (a healthier lifestyle).

And then I got to thinking about magic, and how much magic focuses on positive thinking. If you doubt your spells will work, they probably won't. I got to thinking about self-fulfilled prophecies and neurolinguistic programming and the power of thought, and I guess Witches have about had that right all along.

So losing weight, it's like it's time to become an adult. To think about the long-term, about thinking about the sacrifices and doing what you have to do-- like it or not-- to reach the better, more prized, more valued goals that don't come instantly.

I was thinking of this last night as I sat there after the kids went to bed, watching TV with my husband, and was having mad cravings (PMS time). I had eaten well for the day-- I had a big green smoothie (mixed fruit, kale, spinach) for breakfast, a piece of veggie lasagna for lunch, 2 wraps with hummus & roasted asparagus & red peppers for dinner, a big bowl of watermelon, and I even made Cook Yourself Thin "fudgy brownies" and had one-- so I was set. But I wanted Chinese food so badly I could smell it... literally smell it. Maybe it's because I lost my hunger-warding charm (or because I know I lost it, psychologically). And I said, "I don't want to give into a weak moment like this." And I didn't.

So I sucked it up and was an adult, and went for the long haul. And if anyone is going to succeed in losing weight and keeping off, that is the attitude we have to adopt-- suck it up and do it for the long haul. Forget about what you "want" and "don't want" at the moment. Forget about what you "like" and "don't like." Eat the veggies. Get to the gym (or jog, or do the morning yoga tapes-- whatever). Put down the food and walk away when you've had enough. Just say "no" to the can of Pepsi someone is holding out to you. Just make the sacrifices and do what you got to do for that much better, much more rewarding and satifying long-term goal.

The new affirmations:
I am an adult; I can suck it up and do what's better for me.
Instant gratification are roadblocks to bigger and better things.
I like being thinner and fitter more than I like sucking down a big plate of junk food.
I don't like exercise; but I don't like my body fat even more.

Ritual spell tonight (kids had a sleep-over last night and I couldn't do my esbat):
"Breaking" the attraction of instant gratification.

A Different Kind of Magic

A few articles have been buried in the news lately about former Biggest Loser contestant, Kai Hibbard, and her comments that the show pushed her to lose weight in unhealthy ways and that her dramatic 118 pound weight loss in what seemed like 12 weeks on television actually took longer.

Hibbard says the show pushed contestants to work out excessively through injuries and all, encouraged them to ignore the advice of nutritionists and listen only to Biggest Loser trainers, use dehydration as a means of dieting and lowering the number on the scale, and that there could be many weeks between weigh-ins (which, through the illusion of TV, only look like they are happening once a week).

She claims she returned home with a low-self image about her body, poor/extreme dieting habits, her hair was falling out and she didn't look good so her family staged an intervention. She has since gained back 70 pounds of the weight she lost. You can read the entire article here:

Biggest Loser Contestant: Show Hurts People

For anyone who might think Witchcraft is bad, this kind of tv "magic" is much worse, isn't it? It's a complete illusion.

For some reason our society, even though we know that just about everything on television is for profit and entertainment, still has a huge influence over us. In one segment it is showing us what body image to aspire to, and in the next commercial it is telling us to run to McDonalds or grab a batch of Betty Crocker Brownie Mix. People sit there watching TV, zoning out into a semi-meditative state (the ALPHA state, a lighter version of the state in which post-hypnotic suggestions can be planted), watching this stuff, and it permeates their subconscious.

Shows like the Biggest Loser and Celebrity Fit Club fuel misconceptions that someone can lose weight so quickly. These shows fuel misconceptions by paying some sell-out doctor (with a good sympathetic stare) and a physical trainer condoning to sit there and encourage this kind of extreme weight-loss while spewing self-help cliches about the importance of being healthy (the opposite of what they are doing). These so-called "professionals" give the illusion that this "experiment" is about helping the lucky chosen contestnet-- and inspiring the world-- to get healthy and eat right... when the real goal is just making money, getting ratings, selling air time.

Not that I am against capitalism-- not by a longshot, I firmly believe capitalism is the best, most fair economic system-- so no, just because I am a Pagan don't think I am pinning this on "big business" or "capitalist corporations."  Making money, making TV shows, fueling the economy is good. The problem is they are doing this under the guise that it is a "reality show" so people unfortunately believe what they see, even though it's been highly manipulated. This in particular is a reality show about a medical problem, and they are being deceptive, as if there were a "miracle cure" right under your nose and you, dear home viewer, are just missing it.

And then when people get inspired to eat a healthy diet and exercise and find they are not losing 5, 10 or 12 pounds a week, that they are chugging along at a steady 1 to 2 pounds, and when they hit those natural plateaus, they think there is something wrong with them. They think they are doing something wrong. Or they think it is too hard and give up.

Can you imagine if they did that with cancer patients? Get a bunch of patients whose ability to go into remission looks promising, giving them sea weed and other "healthy" diets, follow them to doctor appointments and yoga classes,  then dress them up with a professional make up artist using lighting to make them look great once a week, and act like "Ohy, look how wonderful they are doing... and you can do it, too, if you really wanted to." Meanwhile behind the scenes they are getting aggressive rounds of chemotheraply and the "once a week" check-in is really every 2 months. Can you imagine viewers at home who have cancer, or live with loved ones with cancer, or who have lost people to cancer-- how would that make them feel that they didn't find such a "fast and easy" cure?

If you go visiting weight-loss forums, you often see posts like "how can I lose weight fast!" "Should I just eat an apple a day and drink water and get on the treadmill for 6 hours so I can drop 60 pounds in 30 days?" or "Why aren't I losing weight? I only eat 500 calories a day and I do cardio aerobics an hour a day and for some reason I am only losing a pound or two a week! What's wrong?"

People don't read, people don't study up on fitness and nutrition, most people don't have a clue about their bodies or what a normal sized portion is or what's a balanced diet or how much they should intake every day in calories... but they see the "Biggest Loser" and they want to know why they can't do it.

And the reason is that it's not just "TV magic"-- it is a complete illusion. False. A lie delivering false hope and impossible promises to desperate people in a society with a screwed-up notion of body image, instant gratification and finding miracle cures.

This is the kind of mentality that not only is keeping America fat, but making it get worse with each passing decades. Frankly, I don't have cable, I have seen about 1/2 an episode of the Biggest Loser and about 2 episodes of Celebrity Fit Club when visiting my mother, and since I have educated myself a bit on the topic I could see that it was a complete load of bunk. But I really shudder to think of the eating disorders of the next generation of kids and teens growing up with these "reality" shows... the depression, the low-self image, self-loathing for not being able to do it so fast and easily, the amount of people who may pure give up, or the amount of people who will try, fail, try, fail, try, fail, and each time put on those extra 10 or 20 "bonus" pounds your body seems to gain after a failed diet.

Why is it the FDA can restrict the use of a natural sweeting herb like stevia, but not the blatant glorification of false information via the most influential medium in our society?

Green Smoothies-- The Modern Witch's Magical Brew

I just realized that yesterday's post didn't post yesterday. I thought it did, but apparently it was only in a draft. I posted it today.

I am doing even better today than I was yesterday. I have slept really well the last couple of nights. Like 10 hours. And straight through the night. I don't know why, maybe it's the reduction of caffiene in my blood, or maybe it is the regiment and having a full day. This is actually a good thing as I am usually sleep deprived, either overworked or suffering from insomnia (sometimes both). I feel really good now that my body is catching up a bit.  

There are some occasional complaints... who doesn't want to get up early, who doesn't want to eat oatmeal, who doesn't feel like doing their homework. My husband has been grumbly because he has been basically shooting his own self in the foot... two days ago he had milk before bed, and he's lactose intolerant since I've known him. Why he still insists on torturing himself with drinking milk is beyond me, but it kept him up and down on the toilet in pain all night so he slept crappy and complained all day that he was tired. So he gets up yesterday and sticks to the regiment, and I went to bed early so he stayed up late to play his new video games and again complained this morning he was too tired. I told him he is sabbotaging himself and he promised to get to bed early tonight.

Meanwhile, we've been drinking Green Smoothies every day, and in making them I realized this is not much different than any other Witch's brew, potion or concoction I could possibly make. So making Green Smoothies is now part of my daily magical and health routine.

I start out with some juice. Yesterday I used watermelon juice because I had 1/2 leftover melon that wasn't long for this world. Watermelon is great, not only because it's sweet and delicious, but because of an organic chemical called citrulline. Citrulline relaxes the blood vessles to help blood get around the body more, and water also has the anti-oxidant lycopene, which is good for your skin.

I add kale, which is purifying, and spinach for strength and vitality (Popeye wasn't wrong!). I add some fennel to promote health and peaches for longevity. I throw in a few stevia leaves to sweeten it up (I keep a plant on the screen porch), and whatever other fruit, frozen or fresh, I have lying around. A bit of crushed ginger is to make my spell potent.

I consecrate and charge them to bring them to full potency, then pop them in the blender and enter a semi-meditative state as it whips them into a beverage. As I pour out, I offer a prayer to bless our smoothies to nourish, fill, cleanse and empower us with all the nutrients, thoughts and emotions that we need. I make a small offering of some smoothie at the alter and we drink.

Now this is just how I have been making them for the past 5 days or so... there is nothing you "must" put in, and nothing that you "can't" put into a green smoothie. Make them to suit your own personal tastes. I've seen some recipes on the web of people putting in yogurt & cocoa powder & artificial sweetner to get down their greens, to the other end of the spectrum of people who use no sweeteners or fruit, just pure bitter greens, root veggies and herbs.

I am most definitely going to try different things. Luckily there is a fruit stand and a Sweetbay right up the street from our apartment complex, so every 5 days or so we hit them for some new fresh produce, so I like to see what is on sale or looks good in season... and I almost always have giant-sized bags of fruit from Walmart on hand because that is the cheapest way to keep a staple of fruit in the house.

I have heard frozen is as good, sometimes better than, fresh... because fresh fruits & veggies from the supermarket are often picked unripe and gas ripened and travel a ways before they get to the store; frozen ones are picked from the field and flash-frozen within a couple of hours, locking in the nutrients. I just don't know how true that is, but it sounds like frozen, if not better, can't be that much worse than fresh.

Everyone likes them, except my little one who says "they're 'okay' but they look like barf," but even he drinks them, and I swear he is as picky as they come and a little sugar & carb-addict at heart, so if this is what it takes to get his veggies in him without a fuss, so be it. I think they look so pretty, personally, that emerald green color reminds me of St. Patrick's Day and all things good and healthy.

Yes, they are tasty because the fruit covers the taste of the veggies. The cost was something I had to consider more carefully.

At first the thought of the cost of the daily fresh fruits and veggies made me whince... on the other hand, I look at how filling they are... it cuts down the cost of other snacks and they eat a smaller lunch but are still satisfied. I suspect that, budget-wise, green smoothie costs will balance out and be worth it. In the fall I'll probably put up some spinach and other leafy greens on the ol' screen porch garden and this should keep costs down for it as well, although there is a limit to what you can grow in a porch.

Have I shown you my screen porch garden, yet, btw?

I know it's small, but it's all the space I've got to work with. This time of year, plants are looking a little puny because of the heat. But in the spring and fall, it's hopping. I have about 8 hooks for hanging plants along the edges that I use for tomatoes & strawberries. Plus I line planters up along the ground edge and I keep most herbs on the utility shelf. I am thinking of getting a couple more utility shelves to multiply my gardening space as well. I get excellent southern exposure from about 10 AM till noon from the Eastern direction, then around noon till 2 pm the sun is high and everything is shaded by the porch above me, which is good because that's the harshest part of the day. Then from about 2 pm until almost 9 pm we get it from the Western direction. It's a pretty good set-up for an apartment dweller. I always said the only reason I ever wanted a house was for the yard so I can garden; other than that, I'm a NYC native-- I prefer apartments. As you can see, Ben enjoys the garden here, too.

T'was the Night Before...

Well, tonight we kiss 2009 and the ought decade good-bye, and tomorrow ushers in a new day, new month, new year, and new decade.

And at 40, I'm hoping this marks my 1/2 life mark, not my 3/4 or 9/10 life mark.

Mercury is in retrograde, so I don't plan any heavy spell work for a couple of weeks. Jan 15th I plan to have a full-blown ritual at the new moon... but until then, I'm "going within."

Reflection... that's what the time now is for. Reflection on the past and what has brought me to this point in my journey. After midnight, I am doing a meditation to take myself back into my past and look at all the key moments in my life that guided me here. Hopefully they will provide some insight. I plan to journal after the meditation and I will let you know what I come up with when I post tomorrow night.

Tonight for dinner... frozen pizza, salad, & probably my last soda for a long time. Soda pop is a trigger food for me so I usually don't buy them and keep them in the house unless it's a holiday or occasion... however the grocery store was giving bottles of Coke away with a purchase of a frozen pizza.

Oh, did I mention I am quitting smoking tonight, too? I know I know... double whammy. But might as well. Ciggs are getting expensive, and I don't want to smoke more when I can't munch, replacing one bad habit with another, so I might as well try to toss them both and get over it. I'm not a heavy smoker. I go days without smoking, and days when I have a few ciggs.

I mainly smoke when I work, or during times of extreme stress. I used to smoke in social situations, but now since you're not allowed to smoke in just about any social setting, I don't do that any more. I figure some times it won't bother me at all, sometimes it'll drive me a bit batty. I've got to learn to work through that though.

Happy New Year everybody.

Introduction

Salutations. Please, call me bloojay.

Well, I'm 40 years old and somewhere along the line I realized I have begun to resemble Jabba the Hut. That won't do at all, will it?

You may be wondering how I let myself get to the point of weighing an unimaginable 375 pounds. I've been wondering that myself really, and the answer is, I don't exactly know. It's not like there was any single tragedy in my life, or any single time I decided to throw caution into the wind and begin chowing down like there was no tomorrow. It happened little by little. I suppose it is a combination of many reasons: bad habits, lack of discipline, genetics, addiction to food, upbringing, psychological issues, physical ailments... I could probably go on, but the sum total of all the parts is 375.

I've been thinking for a long time now that something has to be done about this. It's scary, though. I gave up "dieting" and "fitness" years ago because it seemed that every time I tried I would fall off the wagon and end up 20 or 30 pounds heavier than I was when I started.

But every night I lay down, waiting, wondering when the heart attack will come, wondering if I'll get to see my children finish growing up, wondering if my dear husband will be left alone to fend for himself, wondering what would become of my family if they lost me. It's hard to think about that.

It's also frustrating, because I know how hard it's going to be, that the odds are against me. I can't afford any more failures.

I'm not one for New Years resolutions, but I feel the time has come, and the first day of a new decade is creeping up, so it feels as good a time to begin as any.

You may also be wondering why I am bringing Witchcraft into this. Well, I believe in Witchcraft. I started practicing Witchcraft about 19 years ago when I converted to the religion of Wicca. Witchcraft and my faith have helped me tackle many challenges and helped me achieve many goals, both small and great.

I realized how much my weight is affecting all aspects of my life when I realized that I haven't even been practicing the 'Craft very much at all in recent years. I simply haven't had the energy to pursue more than I absolutely had to. After caring for my family, home & work, there was little energy left to do much else.

And I had to wonder, why?

Why have I let this problem take up so much of my life that I've given up so many things I used to enjoy?

And why am I not using one of the most powerful weapons in my arsenal to tackle this problem head on once and for all?

I need to get healthy. I can do this. I must do this.

If Witchcraft has taught me one thing over the years, it's that I have the power to control my life. As the Charge of the Goddess (by Doreen Valiente) says, if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without. So I'm not looking to fad diet plans, surgeries, or any external means to solve my biggest problem. I'm going within myself, and using my own personal power-- the power of my mind, the power of my spirit, the power of my faith-- to find the strength and means to achieve my goal and save my life.

This may be my last chance.