It's a long road, but I'm taking it one step at a time...

My Mini-Goal

8/08/10 to 8/31/10-to lose 6 lbs this month

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I'm just hanging onto my spiritual anchor. Now I've got...

bleeding hemerrhoids. So you can imagine how thrilled I am.

This month just gets better & better.

Tomorrow I turn 41. About 3/4 weeks ago I was seriously ready for a big celebration... now I just want to get rid of the kids and curl up on the sofa and not work and watch House and Lost (the 2 shows my husband and I have gotten into on Netflix because we don't have cable tv) ro maybe old musicals to cheer me up.

I'm not really depressed like manic... I'm just tired. It's been a rough summer. I am hanging in.

Thank Goddess & God in situations like this I have Them to rely  on, to pray to, to seek guidance and comfort. I close my eyes and pray to Them and They remind me of the bigger picture... They remind me that it's okay, life is overall wonderful but can get overwhelming sometimes. They remind me that we are doing the right things and that things will always find balance and I will be centered again.

Even when you are broke and bleeding out of the butt, there is always hope and a better day to look to.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I am so screwed... rough patches...

Okay I am having some problems. Every time I start typing I turn around and the type is gone.

This is my 3rd attempt at this post.

I am FUCKING STRESSED. And I did not cuss the first time I posted it but it is starting to piss me off.

Anyway... new development.

My son’s b-day is this month so I worked my butt off to get up an extra $250 for his video game he wanted... he wanted to forgo any party/outing, he was willing to do anything. And he is such a great kid. He really is... he does his work and is responsible and cooks and cleans and he gets me a drink or coffee when I’m working and he is such a protective older brother (and my younger son is quite a handful).

So I really wanted to get it for him. You know, like it breaks my heart because we are not the kind of parents that buy kids things all the time... in fact they almost don't get anything other than birthdays and holidays. We are frugal and low budget and I refuse to spend money on little crap all the time, I'd rather save up and get them something nice twice a year that they really want.

So then my mother calls and tells me she’s having trouble with bills and this freaking agency she is trying to get help from is giving her the run-around and I offer to take care of her electric bill because she can’t pay it.

So I ask my husband if he minds, and he says no.

Here it requires a little background— hubby has some learning disabilities and has trouble with comprehension sometimes. Like when we used to stop at Dunkin Donuts once in a while I’d get a cinnamon bun, but once I asked for a maple frosted coffee roll, but he can’t order that when he gets to the counter because in his mind, we get cinnamon rolls here.

Or like if I put on one show at night to be on as background noise when I am working, but I feel like watching another show, he’ll still put on the first one, because in his mind, that’s what I watch. It takes him a while to switch gears.

So Thursday morning he borrowed the car from my friend & neighbor to go run an errand. And they were talking about the electric bill and comparing bills.

So he comes home and I told him my mother needs money for electric, he was thinking of this friend = needs electric bill money.

So I ask him, as he is going to drop off my daughter at my mother’s house, to please pick it up and give the money to her.

So today my mother calls me and is like, “well I hate to pester but you said you’d pay my bill and it’s overdue, are you going to be able to?”

So I said I thought he did... so I asked him if he brought my mother the money for the electric and he’s like, “I gave her the money for the bill.” My mother is on the phone arguing he didn’t.

Then he realized... he gave friend/neighbor the money. He walked up to her door and handed her the money and said, “here is the money for the electric, don’t worry about it.”

Basically I approached him right after his conversation with her so his mind was fixated on her needing electric bill money.

So she’s a single mom out of work and having some issues, and pays her bill, thinking we’re just being really nice. So that’s gone and it’s not coming back.

So now I had to pay my mother’s bill today, too.

So there went the money I saved for the freaking video game and his birthday is today. I have money... for my damn bill. But if I pay it, I will have to deeply disappoint my son whose friends are sleeping over and who he borrowed games for the night to use and saved his own money to buy them pizza.

And if I buy the game, I am going to be late with my bill and it’s going to be due right around rent time and I am going to have to work off my butt again for the next 2 or 3 weeks putting in extra hours.

And either way, we’re basically not going to be able to afford anything but Ramen Noodles to eat this week... no fresh produce; we’ve got some meat in the fridge but I thought I was going to have some money left for shopping.

I just feel so stressed this summer with everything... lost the car, lost his job, my daughter lost just about everything she had going for her, I’m working my butt off to keep up and losing my sanity.

And I can’t even talk to the two people I’d usually talk about this to– my friend or my mother or my husband– because I don’t want them to feel bad because of what happened.

And this stress is not helping me lose weight at all, I can tell you... no I haven’t been out binging or anything but honestly who the hell has time to count calories and now I’m not even going to be able to afford decent food, we’re going to have to go uber-cheap, which means Ramen and rice and other things I really shouldn’t be eating because eating them makes me really really hungry.

And I can’t seem to get myself together to do anything and I feel I am in desperate need of some amino acid vitamins because I nearly had 3 breakdowns this week which means my neurotransmitters are low probably because my brain is so frazzled.

Please don’t give up on me, I am hanging in there... anyone still with me? I’m having such a hard time.

Saturday, August 14, 2010


No real change. Still my sleeping schedule is messed up, because I get up and I am always playing catch-up or just too tired to do anything now, and have not even had the energy to get myself together to do my order spell... which I will.

My dearest darling hubby who has been working a lot of odd jobs this week painting has offered to help me with the kids and the chores and anything else that comes up so I can focus on getting my sleep schedule straight and work.

And I have agreed to take Sunday off, come what may, and to take that 1 day off per week no matter how far behind, because it seems that I just get further behind if I keep trying to push through.

So hopefully by Monday morn I'll be ready to get up and at 'em in the morning.

Meanwhile, my son, turning 12 on Tuesday, who has wanted to be a chef since age 4 and who dreams of being on Iron Chef or challenging Bobby Flay to a Throwdown, is going to start taking more cooking responsibilities by preparing our meals a couple days per week.

I wish there was some classes for kids his age around here for cooking, but there isn't. He's so into it. I will not be surprised if this has just always been his calling and he ends up a chef.

I have to admit, I have tasted some of the recipes he invented, and the boy does have skills.

So my husband and I were talking and think he's of an age where he can use this interest/skill to take a little more responsibility in the household.

I've been cooking with him for a really long time and he has learned basic kitchen safety, like how to cut properly with fingers curled under and how to be careful working with the hot pots & pans on the stove, etc. and I'll be right there in the kitchen at the table doing things while he is cooking to supervise, but I'm going to step into the background a little more and let him start getting a little more independent with this.

For parents concerned about teaching their kids healthy eating habits, I think it is good to do things together like shopping together, planning meals, cooking together, definitely sitting down as a family at least a few nights a week eating a healthy home-cooked meal, and even gardening-- even if it's just a windowbox herb garden. It gets kids excited about food... real food... and seems to me they are more willing to try new things and eat more of a variety than kids who grow up on boxed mac & cheese and chicken nuggets eating alone at the tv or something. And the earlier I think we instill these habits, the better it is... the easier they will take.

Friday, August 13, 2010

I feel like I am being CRUNCHED

I don't know why. I just feel so busy and crazy these days. I am scattered.

I feel like one of those targets in a shooting gallery that moves to one side and someone hits it ping! and then turns and moves to the other side and ping! and then turns back and ping! again.

I go one way to do something and my attention is drawn to the other way to do something, it is insane.

Work I guess has been a key issue; with my hubby out of a main job right now I have to pick up the pace. I used to work at my own leisure and only take projects I felt like doing to earn extra income, now I am having to work whether I feel like it or not, and take projects whether I like them or not... I know that's what work is for most people but I guess I'm not used to it anymore. I never was very good at it, which is why I became a freelancer in the first place.

Then I have my daughter, and my mom has been needing some help financially and with her stuff because she's getting on in years, and the kids starting homeschooling, and I just feel like everything is scattered.

I tried to get back into a regiment but my whole sleep cycle is screwed up now.

And this may sound a little pathetic to some of you, but I am missing Disney World like crazy, and it is going to be a rough year waiting for him to go to school and get a new job so we can look forward to annual passes again. It's just my happy place, lol.

So tomorrow I working a little candle magic with my schedule to draw me back on track and put order back into my day.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

What do Witchcraft and Weight Loss Have in Common?

I like to frequent some Witchcraft forums, as well as some Weight Loss forums. In some, I am fairly vocal and others I am merely an occasional lurker. Though the topics generally have little to do with each other, I have noticed a trend.

1) Everyone wants it fast.

They don't just want to know how to lose weight, they want to lose 60 lbs in 3 weeks for the start of school or their sister's wedding or family reunion.

They don't just want to learn Witchcraft. They want all their dreams to come true. If not tonight, tomorrow is good.

2) They want it easy.

They don't want to have to read all those books and can't imagine finding a half hour a day to meditate; education and mental discipline? For magic? Puh. They just want all the really cool spellz we're hiding that "really work."

They don't want to have to eat vegetables, exercise or count calories. They just want to know what miracle pill or magic potion all the skinny people have been hiding from the fat people.

3) They don't care what danger they have to face to get it as long as it comes without any serious effort.

Sell my soul to Satan? Puke until my internal organs shut down? Take a pill that ups my risk for cancer about 1000%? That's fine... fine... I'll cross those bridges when I come to them, just gimmie gimmie gimmie what I want, like, NOooooooOOOOWWWW!

What? You Big Mean Ol' Meanie! What do you mean you can't help me? You're just selfish. And jealous. You Suck. I'll find someone else who promises better things, faster and easier. I'm willing to do what it takes as long as I don't have to bother with anything or change.

Basically, I am wondering, is this evolution in progress?

Is this what it comes to when a species no longer really has to worry about survival?

Is this the natural mentality that develops when everything is mass-manufactured, pre-packaged, ordered on demand and sent to your doorstep with rush delivery?

It seems with every generation in the last 100 years it just gets worse... there is just less and less value placed on effort, hard work, perserverance, patience, and just plain doing the right thing.

Fast. Easy. At any cost except the cost that requires time and effort.

Does anyone else see the irony?  

I realize we have it easier than generations that came before us, but there are things they had that I envy and long for.

They had to work all spring, summer and fall to produce food which they canned for the winter and had to savor. They had to pump the churn for hours to turn their cream into butter and wait for the dough to rise before they could bake the bread. They sent a letter and had to wait weeks for a reply even if it was sent out immediately.

It's so strange... how everything seemed to take them so long to do, and they had to wait for everything, and work hard for everything, and we get everything so fast and easily, yet we seem to never have time and complain that everything takes just too much effort.

I don't know where I am going with this except to say I can see why we're getting to the first generations in centuries that are not doing as well as the generations before them... it's not based on what is hard or easy, or what is fast or slow, but based on attitudes and work ethics. We don't value the right virtues anymore... and we are losing them.

And I guess seeing it in others reminds me that it's not what I want for myself... or my kids.

This is one of the things I like about homeschooling and working at home... I feel like we've got a little shield from the proverbial "rat race." This is something I'm going to keep in mind over the next few weeks and work on in our lives. I don't think I'm that bad, but I think I could be better.

Monday, August 9, 2010

And back to 330

I was back down to 330 this morning... so I guess it was water retention from the period. Well, didn't make my mini-goal, but that was a relief to see it go back to 330 after all that fluctuation in the 330 range.

So it's off to the gym this week. My new mini-goal for the month of August is 324. I thought about making it 325, but I thought I would go that extra mile to shake off all the months of stalling and the last week of issues.

So, I've vented and gotten my frustration with my daughter out of my system and now I am just glad she is coming home... or at least closer to home and in my mother's house a few blocks away where she will be safe and loved and can try and get her head on straight again and start thinking about the future. My mother happily doesn't treat the kids the way she treated me, I guess also they have me and my husband to turn to if she did when I had nobody.

We started our "new year" homeschooling today. Well... it's sort of a turnover for us, though we actually work year-round. Usually we work through the whole Summer, wrapping things up by the end of July and getting their annual evaluations, then taking a few days off for Lughnasadh and getting right back into it... I mean, it only makes sense living in FL when it's too hot and rainy this time of year to go out and enjoy much, so usually we work year-round, 6 days per week, taking a few days or a week off here and there when the weather is georgous. However, this year with all the fiasco hitting at the same time as my period, we did indeed take the whole week off.

I have learned something too... when you lose weight and you feel better about yourself and have more energy, you get more sex. My husband and I have been carrying on and sneaking away to fool around in the middle of the day for a few minutes, or just jumping each other as much as possible when the kids aren't around. My period finished up yesterday and it was all we could do to impatiently wait for that cycle to be over and sure enough we happened to pass each other in the bedroom this afternoon and clothes were flying. I mean, we're like horny teens or college sweethearts all over again. he's like, "damn if I'd have known our sex life would have gotten so good I would have been in the gym years ago." Wonder what it's going to be like in 50 more lbs. Sweet.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Ups, Downs, Downs, Ups... the cycles of our lives continue

Hello all... boy do I have a lot of catching up to do with a whole lot of stuff.

First off... let's get to the weight loss. Cranking along. Got down to 330, but then I got my period & I'm bloated, so I went up to 333. I am going to give it a couple of days.

As for my last post-- Lughnasadh was beautiful, thank you very much. But since then it's just been cramps and back pain and stress.

My daughter couldn't come and everything with her is a big fiasco...

Let me try to give you the reader's digest version:

My daughter is very bright... she started college courses at 15 through dual enrollment as a high school  student, she also won 100% scholarship.  But she's a moody teen and home life isn't perfect of course... she has to do stuff; there are rules. We live in tight quarters, etc. Nothing really major major but you know it is when you are a teenager, the grass always looks greener outside your parent's home.

So her friend, a couple years older, blind & depressed & on meds & on disability, who is miserable living with her mother gets an apartment. She lives about 60 miles away from here. Now the big issue I have with this kid is not that she needs help, but that she seems to embrace the drama/misery. I've known blind people and chemically imbalanced people who manage to get help and move on, and then there are just those people that like to wallow in it and blame the world for their problems because they seem to think it's harder and more unfair for them than anyone else.

So my daughter turns 19 and her friend gives her this opportunity to move in (it's easy for her; her income is garaunteed) and my daughter jumps on it. Meanwhile, the economy is a wreck and my daughter has never had a "real" job, only odd jobs like babysitting & typing things (I know that is real work but she didn't work for a company so according to her record she had no previous employers). So of course, at her age, this seemed like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get out and be independent.

So she moves... and she puts off school for a while... and she can't get a job... and she runs out of her life savings I had stashed away for her and it might not seem a lot for most people but a couple thousand dollars. But she's still got her scholarship going for her and he we are willing to help with books & buses and food if she just keeps trying.

Her friend-- and there is no really nice way to put it-- is a needy basket case. And my daughter is the nurturing type who wants to take care of everyone and holds everything in and can't say no-- and to top it off, her friend is paying all the rent & bills and  my daughter probably feels obligated.

So my daughter, still jobless, finally goes back in the late spring term, and her friend is so needy and miserable and inflicts her misery on everyone and is just depressing, she is stressing my daughter out. My daughter fails math. Her GPA is still good, but, Oops! She hasn't been doing enough credits now without the math class... so she loses her scholarship. She loses her free ride which just smashes my heart to bits because I just can't pay for it and I was so happy she was going to graduate without the student loans that held me and my husband back financially for years.

So this friend's grandmother dies, my daughter stays home to help the friend through it. The friend attempts suicide with pills. She survived... and it looks like she's going to be okay (well, that she'll survive this attempt, but until this kid changes her attitude and changes her ways she is never going to be okay).

Now she is in the hospital, probably will be held for months, and afterwards will most likely go live with relatives.

So my daughter is jobless, schoolless, scholarshipless, moneyless, and now friendless and room-mateless.

So she came to her senses enough to come home, and she is going to live with my mother a few blocks down who has a spare room because we got a 2 bedroom for us & the boys to save money and she doesn't want to squeeze in with us. She is going to try and catch her breath and figure things out and get a job and see what she is going to do about finishing school now (and funding it).

And I know I sound harsh and all I-told-you-so,  but I am just venting here because I am trying to be more sympathetic and compassionate towards her because I don't want to put a trip on her that makes her want to run off again... and I am sure she has realized her mistakes and that everything I said was going to blow up in her face has so I don't need to remind her of that and rub salt in the fresh wounds, but it is so frustrating to have watched this kid, who could have graduated before she turned 20 if she had just kept focusing on her studies, watch her make one rash mistake after another that cost her just about everything she had going for her.

So I am frazzled. And because of the stress/period, my back is in really bad shape near my spine injury so I haven't even been to the gym which I am sure would be a great tension release but I am just trying to work and make money because I do not want us to get to a point at which we are struggling every month to make ends meet and my son's birthday is coming up and dammit he deserves something nice because he is so responsible and good and such a great big brother and he really wants a Wii.

I need to meditate. I am re-establishing a more regimented day monday morning, today I am visiting my mother and am sleeping over with her and tomorrow night is our anniversary and all I want to do is get the kids out of the house and put my feet up and cuddle up and watch tv.

So I will not write tomorrow because of the anniversary but I will be back Monday afternoon with the new regiment which includes blogging time and includes exercise time.

I probably sound incoherent so I am going to sign off now.

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