No, I didn't give up! IN FACT I've been continuing to lose. I am down to 345.
Okay, okay, so it's not "melting" off me like butter... but you know what? Even losing slowly as a glacier moves is still better than not losing at all.
I definitely do not lose as easily and quickly as when I was 30. No big deal; bodies change. I didn't do it then, so it's a bit harder now. Every choice or action (or inaction) has it's consequences. Instead of lamenting about how much faster I lost when I was 20 or 30 I'll just take comfort that I can lose faster now than if I waited another 10 years.
You know, I don't mind aging; I actually like myself better at this age; I know more about who I am, where I'm going, I've taken the Fool's Journey (at least most of it) and I have come to realizations that have given me a much better perspective and handle on life. I wouldn't do my 20's again if you paid me.
I just get angry at myself sometimes, at what I've done to my body and my health, because it's probably going to shorten my life by 20 years or so; if I can reverse some of the damage and gain back even 5 it will be worth the effort.
But I can't dwell on that anger. I have to forgive myself, move on, and let go. And that is the ritual & meditation I am doing this next full moon: forgiving myself. Forgiving my younger self for the mistakes I've made; forgiving my older self for not picking up the pieces and putting them back in the right order soon; forgiving myself for procrastinating and ignoring important things. Yes, I've screwed up, now I must let it go and move onward and upward.
I owe you a couple of picks; I did take them. And will update that this week by Beltane.
So what happened?
My computer and my car went down at the same time... and this all took place during my husband's layoff.
So, my husband and I worked on it and he got a better job, better pay, better hours, and started just 3 weeks after his layoff.
The computer was a wreck... I don't even know what happened... viruses, etc.; I'm not technical, I can't deal with that stuff. So until I could get it fixed, I just considered it a sabbatical. It was nice, really... I worked on my BOS adding stuff and revising stuff I'd been meaning to for years. I'd just been shoving things into it scribbled on paper, it was becoming a bit of a mess, really, it's embarrassing. I've been getting artistic and creative-- sketching and drawing. I also cleaned and organized my entire house, top to bottom, and re-acquainted with old friends... the beautiful weather in the last few weeks has kept me outdoors a bit more as well. Oh, and I've decided to go back to school this fall, to a college that teaches metaphysical sciences, so I'll be taking more advanced studies in tarot and herbalism and meditation. That's exciting.
When I finally got back on, I couldn't find my blog, then I couldn't remember my password (I actually thought I had been logging in with a different e-mail address. Oops. I'm such a techno-klutz).
And as for the car... well, it's still in critical condition, but we have a tax refund coming so that should give us the balance we need to fix it. It's such a good car, save for a tire slow leak it has not given me a problem since I got it 3 years ago (and it's 10 years old!) so I really can't complain. It will be riding again.
I have to admit, though, I am in Disney withdrawal.
And as for the weight-loss progress--
I got to thinking, I might have to do some seriously heavy spell work. I have not broken my addiction to food; I can still feel it there, under the surface. I'm afraid I'll fall off the wagon. I am thinking of doing a drastic spell to make me hate food.
I know, I know; it sounds drastic, be careful what you wish for, etc.... But I seem to have 2 choices: revolving my life around food spending half my day thinking about it while I try to resist it, or hating food and forcing myself to eat something or have a protien drink a couple of times per day.
I don't know. It's drastic, but it might be what I need to break this chain/cycle. Heck, weight loss surgery is drastic, too, isn't it? But people do it.
Tonight for dinner: baked chicken (skinless), leftover cucumber & tomato salad from last night (my basil is so flavorful this season!!), spinach, some kind of Mexican squash I picked up at the market and forgot what it's called (broiled & seasoned with fresh garden herbs).
Did I ever mention that if it weren't for my husband and kids I'd be a pescatarian? Maybe I'll talk about that next time.
Hey, I wonder if anyone is reading or has found this blog? Bet you thought I'd quit on you, huh!
WELL I DIDN'T-- AND I'M BACK!!!