Reassessing Goals

So, 4 months have passed, and I've been off-line for a while, so I thought it was a good time to review.

Some of life's challenges have sure given me a run for my money for a while-- my car, my computer, my husband losing his job, worrying about my daughter (long story-- but it's hers to tell, not mine), and my back problems, etc.

But I am hanging in there. 30 down seems like a lot to most people, for me it's about a drop in the bucket and it seems there is still such a long way to go. But I can't focus on that or I'll get discourage; I have to focus on my accomplisments. The distance to come doesn't matter; as long as I take one step at a time I will get there, that is the important part I must keep telling myself.

My little runner, though still in the early stages of her journey, is more than a quarter of the way in. I've lost almost 10% of my body weight and lowered my BMI by 5 points. People are noticing by looking at me, and I am noticing by the feeling. I have a little more energy and a bit more stamina. I'm losing at a rate of about 7 or 8 pounds per month, which is great, but I expect it to be cut in half soon... but even 5 lbs per month would be good to me; that would put me at my half-way mark-- 75 pounds-- before the end of this year!

I have completely quit smoking (not so much as a puff since New Year's Eve!) and completely cleaned & reorganized my house and am in the process of redecorating.

What I did not accomplish: I didn't get my garden started! Oh, I've got herbs and such, but no tomatoes, peppers, cukes, zucchini or carrots. Partly was because of the financial crisis that is thankfully over, but also because we had an unusually long winter here. Usually veggies get transplanted by the beginning to mid-March; it was still too cold in early March, though. Even the local growers here had difficulties, the produce was, frankly, crap for a while. And by the time the weather began to warm up there seemed no point, because the temps could be up in the 90's by the time they are ready to fruit, and most don't set fruit when the weather is that hot. So I decided to just forget the Spring planting this year and hope for better conditions for fall planting.


And moving right along, I've found an issue I need to work on...

On a side note... why does it embarrass me so much when people complement me? I know they are doing it to be encouraging and they are happy for me, I know they mean well, but still, I want to run and hide whenever they do it!

Part of it feels like it is because I don't want attention drawn to myself or my problem. Yes, I'm losing weight, but that's only because I got so fat in the first place, and that makes me feel so shameful and slovenly and sloppy. I'd rather remain invisible, thank you very much.

Part of it might be that I don't want people to notice because if I fail then they won't be disappointed in me or won't think I'm weak and pathetic.

Maybe it is my low self esteem, low confidence, low self image, low self love-- all that rearing it's ugly head-- making it that I can't bare a compliment, as if psychologically some part of me feels like I don't even deserve one.

I think I might have to pay a visit to the Old Wise Woman to work this out; I'm not really sure what the deal is here. I need to get to the heart of the matter before I can figure out what to do with it.

Also, Beltane is coming, and I plan to do a good, long look into my situation with divination.

Still thinking about that "drastic" spell. Maybe I need to consult the Old Wise Woman about that, too.

Dinner tonight is-- leftovers and ramen noodles. Crystal lite. Maybe I'll make some sugar free jello, and go for a long walk with the dog later. I also have to do laundry-- that counts as exercise, no?