In Mourning... of sorts...

Imagine "taps" played softly on some distant trumpet and me looking solemn and tearful. Don't make fun of me, but that's how I feel the scene... you see, my Disney annual passes have expired and we are not renewing them with my husband currently out of work and going back to school.

This is very hard for me because I am addicted to Disneyworld and spoiled by living so close to it and having unlimited access to it. I know a lot of people don't like it or have never been there, a lot can take it or leave it, and a lot of people who only get to go there a few days out of every year or two... but for me, Disney has been my happy place... the place where I can feel safe and set my rambunctious imagination free, the place where even a poor, fat old lady like me can be an adventurer, or a world traveler, or a princess.

I have grown so comfortable there, it's been a sort of home to me-- or more like a home town; but a home town in a kind of world I could only imagine in my most indulgent daydreams. And losing that fantasy escape-- especially now as my journey here and life in general is getting sort of difficult to deal with and making it hard to keep spirits up-- is rather disheartening.

We went as often as we could for the last couple of weeks, and I sat there the last day at the Magic Kingdom, at the train station, for hours, watching the sun go down over Main Street, watching the parade and the fireworks display, wistfully trying to soak it in, in hopes that it will be enough to sustain me for the next year or so until we can get ourselves on our feet again and get a new car and new passes.

I'm sure people might read this and think I'm pathetic; but as we all have our vices, we all have our bliss. Joseph Campbell said "follow your bliss," and I fully believe he was right. And Disneyworld is bliss for me, so I am going to miss it as it occupies a large and very dear place in my heart.

Meanwhile, in my weight loss, I seem to be stalled. I am hovering at the same weight-- 337-- for over a week now.

But you know what?

For the first time in my whole life that I have dieted, I don't care and it is not stressing me out.

Stalling or plateaus or whatever you call them used to be the most frustrting time, and the time where I would finally lose the battle that lost the war. It always made me feel as though I were making all these sacrifices but gaining no rewards. This time though, I feel like, "eh... so what? It's a drop in the bucket in the bigger picture."

The bigger picture is my overall health and well being. So what if I don't jump from 337 to 336 quickly enough? It'll happen... eat healthier and exercise more and weight loss will happen. How fast or slow it happens is of no consequence. Any day that I stick to a healthier lifestyle makes me better off than the day before no matter what the scale reads.

That's something I learned from magic-- something that I try to teach people that want to learn magic in a hurry, that want to skip the in-depth education and just want you to give them a spell that "really works" so they can act it out like a script; or the ones who think they should not have to bother with meditation because "it's just hard," when really mental discipline is at the very heart of practicing magic, it is the most essential tool you can have and if you find it difficult to meditate then you need to work on it even moreso, not less, until you master it. I always tell these people looking for shortcuts to practicing magic that there simply are none-- you can do it half-assed to rush through it and really accomplish little with it (though for some people, just being a poser is enough they don't want to do the real work, they just want the title) or you can do it right.

The desire for instant gratification or for the fast & easy way out leads us to take short cuts or run off in directions that ultimately just serve to derail us from the path that leads to our goals. To gain the most rewards, to reach the desired peak, you sometimes have to be willing to stay the course, no matter how slowly or how steadily, and be willing to take the rough roads through to the end because there are no real shortcuts to the top. It's all an uphill battle. Veering off sideways may make things a little less strenuous, or doubling back may be a relief and take off a lot of pressure, however neither of these routes get you to the summit.

So really, it's not the path at all that we have to struggle with; it's ourselves. Once we find the resolve and realize that the priority is the destination, the challenges along the way seem less daunting. In fact, you get to a place where you feel like, "go ahead, just try to stop me!" The challenges are almost welcome because you know that once you kick their asses you are going to be one hurtle closer to that glorious goal which has now come to mean everything.

So... a stall on the scale for a week, or two, or a month? Puh. Big deal. We'll see what happens next week. If the stall continues, I face the challenge-- I do a little more exercise; I walk more. I spend a week eating nothing but steamed veggies. Eventually if I keep pushing, it'll give, and I'll smash through this wall and be on my way up to the next one to smash through.

And you couldn't stop me if you stood in front of that barrier with a 5 gallon  bucket of chocolate ice cream, a family-sized bag of Doritos, a case of ice cold Pepsi and the most comfortable recliner on the planet. I'd mow you all down and toss you off to the side.

Go ahead. Try and stop me.