Feast, famine, happy mediums & my dirty little secret.

Seems to me, at least in my world, it is either hard to stop eating... or hard to eat enough.

Seems like ages ago when I would just sit down and eat and not be able to stop eating, loading up my plate with seconds and thirds, when I had to have that second Big Mac or that 4th slice of pizza.

It's been almost 7 months getting over that feeling that I needed more and more and more food to be happy and satisfied.


And even though I fear I could easily, if I let my guard down, slip into those bad habits again all too quickly... but it's strange how the tables have turned.


At first I did not keep track of actual calories. I tried to be vigilant about my portions, balance my food groups, and just keep things with too many unhealthy ingredients at bay. I think I did do fine. But once I had stalled for a month on that plateau, I began measuring and counting more carefully these last couple of weeks.


What I am discovering by this careful counting is-- it's really hard to eat enough in the day!


I have been trying to eat about 1400 calories per day... fairly low (especially for someone my size) but still enough to give me the nourishment that I need so I have energy.

By all recommendations I can find, 1200 is probably the lowest I should go... maybe someone smaller than I am can get away with it, but at 5'8" and over 330 lbs, 1200 calories a day is less than I expend just breathing.


Here is an example of my day. This is today but it is pretty typical:


Omelet: 170 calories
3 eggs (1 whole, two whites), used nonstick cooking spray
1/2 cup of mixed veggies, roasted w/1 tsp of olive oil
Tea w/ equal
16 oz Green Smoothie: 114 calories
1 cup pineapple juice
1 cup water
some stevia leaves (fresh herbal sweetener I grow)
some lemon balm
about 1/2 cup of kale
about 1 cup turnip greens
1 cup frozen mixed fruit (strawberries, mango, peaches, pineapple)

Salad: 65 calories
Baby spinach
Mixed salad bag
Fresh basil
Cucumber
Tomato
Shredded carrot
sliced red pepper
about 2 tbsps lite walnut raspberry vinegrette dressing

Vegetarian lasagna: 405 calories
Had all the good stuff-- ricotta & mozzarella cheese
Loads of spinach & mushrooms
Fresh herbs from my screen porch
Even made my own home-made sauce for it, way better than jar stuff.

Vanilla cupcakes w/merengue icing (Cook Yourself Thin recipe): 205 calories
These are good, they are made with zucchini to keep them moist, no fat except for the egg yolk.


I'm pretty stuffed, but that's a grand total of..... 959


Serious! 959!!!


In some ways, that is great... because I am stuffed on 959, very satisfied, and very much enjoyed everything I put in my mouth today. There was absolutely no deprivation. I mean, considering it all, that is a lot of food.


I actually treated myself to an 80 calorie cup of coffee tonight just because I came in so under. And I'm going to be up working for a couple of hours so maybe I will have a piece of fruit later before I go to bed... I got some fresh mangos on sale the other day and they are just... yum.


I find it pretty incredible that I am now sitting here trying to ensure I get close to 1200 calories today to ensure I don't make myself fatigued or my blood sugar to drop or cause my metabolism to shut down or anything.


Makes me wonder... I feel like I ate so much today, and really I did, how the hell did I scarf down the quantity of crap that I used to? I mean, how did I ram that much food down my throat???


And now... onto a more pressing matter.... my dirty little secret.


I have been getting exercise... or at least trying to stay active. I do stepping in my living room while I watch tv, or walk, or swim, and occasionally yoga though I haven't gotten as regular in that as I intended to.


But the thing is... apartment complex... has a gym.


Free for residents.

State of the art equipment.

And I have not been there yet.


I don't think I even mentioned it. In fact, I've tried not to think about it.


I'm looking at some of the flab thinking I need to get on top of things here... I need more than just aerobics... I need muscles, I need shaping and toning or I am going to end up looking like a lumpy sack of potatoes.


Mind you, I've already got the belly "apron of flesh" courtesy of 3 C-sections and having stretched out my stomach so much.


I mean-- what the hell am I doing acting like I don't need to get my tail there? It's been almost 7 months!


This is where I have to step outside of myself for a moment and say to myself:


Wait a minute... you have a beautiful, clean, air-conditioned gym less than 100 yards from your front door... free for you to use... and you work at home and set your own schedule... and you need to lose a couple hundred pounds... and you haven't been there yet...!???


You dumbass."


This is the kind of thing that deserves a clunk on the head. What did I think I was getting away with? This is the kind of denial and ignoring and pretending that got me where I am.


Feel free to throw things at me now, I deserve it.


I guess getting up to get into a regular exercise routine is going to be another big challenge, for me one of the bigger ones.


So I am making a promise to myself... and since I am telling you I can't pretend that I didn't or talk myself out of it... but I am going to the gym tomorrow and starting on a more proper work out program.