Last night. After I posted. Big melt down.
If anyone read my post a few days ago "Mama Done Me Wrong," it chronicals life with my twisted mother, and how from the age of 12 or 13 and throughout my teens she had me convinced I was pretty much on the virge of morbid obesity. In between the crap she fed me, she'd always be telling me how big I was getting with these "oh my God" type stares, shaking her head in dismay, telling me how all the family and neighbors were telling her I was getting so big and it was such a shame. She was always putting me on (or encouraging me to go on) extreme diets that involved not eating, wolfing down supplements, and any other crazy idea...
I was telling my husband about how I thought I was morbidly obese from about the age 13... how I was ashamed of myself, hated myself, would cry because eating was weakness... how I thought everyone was always staring at me like the fat lady at the circus, how I thought I was so big I was embarrased to go places like the beach with my normal-sized friends...
Up until a couple of days ago, I would have said, "well, I was chubby, but I wasn't as all bad as my mother convinced me I was. I looked worse to myself than I really was..."
So I pulled out these photos of me at age 13 (right) and 17 (left)... and I really really looked at them, and showed my husband:
Notice how, at 13, my clothes are tight... that's because as I was growing up and getting curves, my mother would get mad at me when my size went up so I'd squeeze myself into the smallest size I could.
Notice how, at 17, I resigned, and just began wearing baggy clothes to cover myself up. I wouldn't go out without something long enough to cover my butt, hips & thighs because I thought I was huge.
And for the first time in my life... for the first time I really saw myself.
And there was nothing wrong with me. I was completely normal.
I spent half my childhood disgusted with myself and I even went on till almost 41 years old remembering myself as the fat kid on the block... even up until now, decades after moving out of my mothers house, growing up, going to college, getting married, having kids, having real weight and food problems... even up until now, when I looked at the few childhood pictures of me that I still have (hidden away deep in a closet I might add), I remember myself as fat. I saw myself as fat.
I didn't even believe it at first... I kept going through my pictures looking for some evidence of this fat kid I was so sure I was, but sure enough, every photo I found (many of them, I noticed, hiding my body behind a throw pillow, stuffed animal or another person), all the same... no evidence of a fat kid.
When I think about all the things I must have done to permanently screw up my metabolism because of how fat I though I was.
I have been in a bit of a daze since I pulled out those pictures the other day when I went through the photos, like, "Holy crap... all this time, I've been seeing things so wrong..." and it all hit me when I showed my husband last night, and I broke down and I cried for a long time over it... and I sat up all night shaking off the shock.
Goddess bless that husband of mine, I love him so much. As usual, he was there for me and said all the right things about putting the past behind us, how when he looks at me he sees nothing but beauty, and how things are changing for the better.
The healing spell I did is probably a major factor in this ephiphany... and tears are cleansing, and I guess you can't move forward very well when you have old baggage like that to drag and you have to look through it thoroughly and decide to just let go of what you don't need anymore.
Last night I feel like I unloaded a lot.
So today, both my husband (voluntarily) and I went to the gym!!!
AND I MADE A REALIZATION--
Looking back I realized I've posted about 80 posts now... in almost 7 months. Even barring the 6 weeks I had no computer... that's kind of pitiful.
So I am going to account more for what I'm doing by trying to post every day.
And maybe I should add my food & exercise reports, too. So here goes:
(the goal for the day was to ease in without overdoing it)
Started with some stretching.
30 minutes on the treadmill... a little quicker pace than I would normally walk, just to keep things pumping but not to kill myself the first day.
I did the weight equipment, I know how to do them properly as I used to have a gym membership with a trainer as a teen... I did 2 sets of 10 for each one at a weight that just gave me some resistance, but no strain.
I tried the eliptical. I thought it was going to kill me. I hung in for 1 minute... so that's where I've set the bar. I'm not giving up on that.
(Since I didn't lay my weary head down till 7:30 am, and woke up around 1 pm, I did not have a normal day)
Breakfast: 135 calories/ 6.2 g fat/ 13 g carbs
1 slice 100% whole wheat toast w/ 1 tsp all-natural peanut butter
After Gym Snack: 135 cal/ .6 g fat/35 g carbs
Dinner (planned): 732 cal/ 26.5 g fat/ 53.5 g carbs
Big roasted chicken breast w/skin
Roasted sweet potato & acorn squash quarter w/light brush of olive oil
Sprinkled w/ my home-grown herbs & lemon
Crystal Lite Peach Iced Tea
Snack (planned): 228 cal/ 5.5 g fat/ 50.5 g carbs
Air popped popcorn, no fat, 2 cups
16 oz Green Smoothie (turnip greens, spinach, kale, orange juice, mixed frozen fruit, banana & splendor)
Water goal-- 64 oz minimum
Grand totals: 1,227 calories (good); 38.7 g fat (a little high); 152.7 g carbs (slightly low but good carbs)
I strive for 50% carbs, 30% protien, 20% fat; I'm at 47%/ 26%/ 28%