So where do you find balance

So first order of business-- I am better, but due to sleeping almost 2 days, my days and nights are screwed up again, so I am going to try to get to bed early tonight. I was up tossing all last night because frankly I'd slept too much in the day, and by the time I  had fallen asleep, it was 8:30 am, and I woke up at 2 pm.

I know!

So meanwhile, I've got to get to the gym and get to work today so I can get to bed within reason.

But I got to thinking today about how easy it is to talk yourself out of things; to make excuses to do what you know is not the best to do.

Going back to the Charge of the Goddess,  which I mentioned yesterday, there is a another part I find inspiring that goes:

Let there be beauty and strength,
power and compassion,
honor and humility,
mirth and reverence within you.

For me, Wicca is largely about balance. In so many aspects of it, it is the union of opposites where you can take the best of both and put them together and find a new, stronger, better whole: God/Goddess, Yin/Yang, Light/Dark, Construction/Destruction-- like the positive/negative charge of a battery, you need both for things to work.

And this part of the Charge illustrates that beautifully-- beauty AND strength; power AND compassion; honor AND humilit; mirth AND reverence-- all within.

All the teachings of Wicca throughout the years just continue to whisper to me, find the balance, find the harmony, find the most productive, the most beneficial combination... find the secret formula, find the perfect blend.

And I was wondering, in my weight loss journey, where that plays in with being realistic and making excuses.

I got to telling myself yesterday that I didn't want to go to the gym... I had been sick; no more fever, and it was low grade, but still run down and felt the need to sleep even though I slept so much the day & night before.

Then I woke up and felt guilty-- the little voices having the conversation in my head:

should I go to the gym?
No, don't push yourself. Let your body recouperate.
Is this just another excuse? Am I psychologically psyching myself out again?
No, not this time, you really didn't feel good. You'll make yourself feel worse if you push.
But aren't I supposed to push myself?
Yes, but you're also supposed to know when to pull back.
But how do I know when I'm pulling back and when I'm making excuses?
I don't know.

And I realize, I've still got work to do on that balance thing. I spent so many years of my life justifying my actions with excuses that somewhere along the line I've lost the ability to discern, when it comes to my weight and health, when an excuse is a legitimate reason to heed and when it is just another case of procrastination, denial, ducking responsibility, etc.

I've realized I have to be completely honest with myself, about all of my choices, but I've got to learn to distinguish between those times when pushing is warrented and when easing up is the best course of action. Reminds me of one time, years ago, I joined a gym, after having my first baby. I was all gung-ho, but the first day, the personal trainer pushed me and pushed me on some machines, even though I said I was having trouble and feeling pain, and I ended up spraining my arm so bad I couldn't move it and the doctor told me not to work out for 6 weeks. I was all ready to start, but I didn't listen to my body, so my body brought me to a screeching halt, whether I wanted it or not. I don't want to do that to myself again. I want to learn to listen to my body, but not let myself get away with things-- make sense?

Today I'm lighting a candle at the altar with a petition to Hestia to help me learn the difference.

Meanwhile-- Reports

I am on my way to the gym-- 1 hr treadmill, weight training as usual, and plan to continue doing 1 1/2 minutes on the eliptical, twice each day, for a week to get used to it and then up it to 1:40.

Food:

Breakfast:
Green Smoothie (collard greens, kale, orange juice, frozen mixed fruit, stevia leaves, lemon balm).

Lunch (planned snack, since it's so late already):
Home-made low fat humus
Raw veggies-- carrots, celery, bell peppers

Dinner:
Turkey burger on 100% whole wheat bun
Smeared with cranberry sauce, added lettuce & tomato
Baked seasoned sweet potato fries
Big mixed salad w/fat free 1000 Island dressing

Snack:
Sugar Free Chocolate Pudding pie made with skim milk & low fat whipped topping

Total for the day:
1,227 calories/ 32.4 g fat/ 179.0 g carbs

Oh... also, another realization I made-- I have a high carb diet; at first I thought I was going to try to control my carbs better, and I tried to keep them low, but fact is I can't... but it's because I eat so many veggies, legumes & fruits in a day... I eat very little grains, and 90% of the grains I consume are whole grains, so I'm just going to go with it. I know carbs have been my enemy in the past but it doesn't seem like I can compare the white carbs and all the bread and rice to the fresh raw veggie smoothies and salads and beans I eat now.