I had planned mainly to write at night before retiring, but because I usually go to bed after midnight it posts as the next day. Maybe I should indicate night posts or day posts.
This is definitely a day post, I'm just peeking in, which I'll so sometimes if I sit to take a break and mess around with E-mail, web surfing or games. Last couple of days, this whole thing has been heavy on my mind though so I guess I keep wandering here as I make my plans of what to do next.
The urge to smoke has passed for the most part (though it does get worse at night, I'll admit). I'm at my mother's house and I'm happy to say I am not only not stealing one of her ciggs, I also turned down a can of Pepsi.
I did however indulge in a single chocolate covered cherry and let it just melt in my mouth while I savored it. I know I'm trying to lose weight, but really, a life without the occasional chocolate is just not worth living. Moderation, and all that.
That 10 of Swords is still making me nervous just looking at it. I guess I'm still sensitive from my meltdown last weekend, but I keep fearing that something is going to happen to cause another one. I know there is no real personal connection to the computer-generated "Tarot of the Day" in the sidebar, it's not like doing a personal reading, however that card gives me the creeps no matter where it shows up... maybe I'll get lucky and a more positive card will pop up tonight/tomorrow and I'll feel a lot better after getting through the day. And if we manage to get the rent/bills in order by the end of the week/week end, I'll feel a lot better by Monday.
I can't let these negative thoughts weight me down. I am a firm believer that when you act/think/feel negatively, you just draw more negativity to yourself. When you act/think/feel positively, you draw more positive energy to yourself. 2% of life is what happens to you, and the other 98% is how you react to it.
So I need to get a grip, stop being all tense and nervous and paranoid and start taking more control. I have tackled greater challenges in the past and I have rebounded from bigger set backs. I am capable and hard work/effort/planning will always win out. I need to go meditate to remind myself of all this and internalize it because there seems to be a part of me that is just resistant to it and the tension/paranoia keep creeping in. I kept tossing and turning last night dreaming of "worst case scenario" type dreams with everything I am worried about.
See you tonight.