Oops... I didn't need to think about that

Tarot of the Day: 10 of swords (shudder). A lot of people who don't understand the Tarot get freaked out by the Death card or the Devil, which aren't really that bad. But the 10 of Swords. (shudder again). That's one I really hate to see.

And it's not one I needed to think about tonight. If you look at the card in most decks, you'll see some poor guy lying in a pool of his own blood with 10 swords sticking up out of him . It indicates utter defeat. Game over, you lose, big time.

Food-wise I'm doing okay, though I'm not really on any majory restrictive diet. I'm eating in moderation, upping the veggies and water and lean meats, passing on more fatty and sugary things. Basically, following the food pyramid. I'm not counting calories or anything.

Take today's menu, for example. For breakfast, a cup of coffee with some sugar and fat free half & half, and a grapefruit with Splenda. For lunch, there was a big bowl of leftover mixed veggies (mostly broccoli, also peas, carrots, corn, green beans) from last night's crockpot chicken & veggie meal. No meat, no butter or sauces or anything, just the seasoned veggies-- must have been close to two cups. For dinner we had spaghetti (one of the few white-flour carbs I'll allow), but I had a smaller serving of the pasta, about half a plate that I normally would. I home-made the sauce (no meat) so it was basically pure tomatoes with spices-- just a small splash of olive oil to sweat the onions & garlic, but I made about 4 quarts so it doesn't amount to much per serving. Half the sauce is in the freezer now for next Wednesday (Wed. is almost always spaghetti night at our house). With it I made some baked zucchini with the tomato sauce, garlic and just a hint of low-fat mozarella cheese (about 1/2 ounce per serving). I didn't bread or fry them, though. Then we had fat free angelfood cake with Cool Whip lite and strawberries for dessert, and I had another cup of coffee. I drank crystal lite with dinner and water the rest of the day.

Not bad-- good food, home-made, satisfying, no excess fats, a little sugar today but nothing excessive. I also walked the dog for about an hour to and from the market, and spent a few hours doing a really good "Winter Cleaning" on my kitchen-- gave everything a good wipe & sweep & mop, from top to bottom, behind the stove, fridge, inside cabinets, pulled everything out of the fridge and washed it down inside and out, re-arranged some shelves though most of the cabinets were already organized so I just wiped them down... I'm tired. That was a fair bit of exercise if I do say so myself. I'm not the most active person, I don't go jogging or anything, but I'm not totally stationary, either... I go places with the kids, walk, I like to camp and swim when I can, and the cleaning seems to offer at least moderate activity each day.

So it's not so much the food/weight loss that worries me tonight. It's the smoking. I'm still having niccotine cravings. I think it's stress because of financial difficulties. We were already behind on some things, and then when I had my melt-down last weekend I didn't work as I had planned, so now I'm going to be about $250 short on the bills/expenses, and this is stressing me out because I'm afraid something is going to cave in, because my husband and I tonight realize we have to pretty much choose between food/laundry/gas, or rent & electricity. Not a fun decision and I just don't know where we're going to come up with the money by Monday. It wouldn't be so bad, but all the late fees have killed us now.

If we fail to pay rent, we're going to get tossed out fast-- it's pretty scary. The laws around here are in favor of the landlord, and we're in a very big, impersonal complex. The rent is due on the first and you have till about the 11th or 12th to pay it, and if not you have 3 days to get out. The sherriff shows up on the 15th, or that's what they tell me.

We're such good tenants... quiet, clean, take care of the place, friendly, don't pester the management office with minor things, and almost always pay on time. I think this is our 2nd time being late with the rent in the last 10 or 12 years, and only by a week last time. I've never even had a security deposit kept on me because when I've moved I give proper notice, wait out the lease, and the condition of the apartment is usually better than it was when I moved in.

But this place we just moved into last year is strict, you have to pay the water with the rent & electricity because they want to make sure tenants keep their utilities up to date. If you don't pay it all, they won't just accept the rent alone.

Like I said, we're about $250 short on that, and if we do come up with the money it will leave us penniless for another 10 days or so till I get paid for some work I did, so I don't know how my husband will get to work or how we'll feed the kids or clean the clothes once we pay-- but we can't go homeless I guess, so really there is no choice.

We pretty much earn too much to try and get any kind of assistance from the government, but too little to really pull ahead and get comfortable. We've had a few setbacks in the last year with this economy, my husband lost all his overtime and times are just tough... top it off, my husband is getting laid off at the end of the month so hopefully he'll find another job within the next 6 weeks. We're just having a bad month, really, I'm sure we'll be back on track next month, I'm sure he'll find something even if he has to take a couple of part time jobs for the time being stocking groceries or delivering pizza until something better comes through...

So yeah, sorry... digressing; but it's all part of the stress that is making me want to smoke, and that 10 of Swords is not making me feel very confident. I really don't know where I'll go if I lose this place, my whole family would have to move into my mother's spare room or something and it would be a scramble. i have never been evicted before so part of me would be mortified, and the other part would be really bummed because we moved around a couple of times in the last couple of years because we couldn't find a place we liked, and we really like this place.

So... I'm doing some little charms for money and holding my breath. Keep us in your prayers if you're out there reading this and got through this rather lengthy rant. Sorry to complain. Wow, I've been doing a lot of that lately it feels like. But I guess getting the things off my chest that make it difficult is all part of the journey, huh?