It's a long road, but I'm taking it one step at a time...

My Mini-Goal

8/08/10 to 8/31/10-to lose 6 lbs this month

Friday, May 14, 2010

ch-ch-changes... (sigh) yeah.

you put one foot in front of the other
and soon you'll be walking 'cross the floor
put one foot in front of the other
and soon you are walking out the door...

Maybe I'm just tired from running around theme parks for four days, but at this point it started to feel like there is just an endless stream of changes. Changes that are good for me, or not so good for me, but mostly changes that I don't necessarily want, changes that I wish weren't necessary. 

Food used to be a constant I could count on to make me feel better at times like this (well, momentarily, of course in the long run it caused more problems). I could always look forward to that sweet chocolate reward, or a good cup of coffee with half & half and sugar, or several slices of pizza at the end of a rough day when I didn't want to cook.

Can't do that anymore... as you know (if you've been reading- that is, if anyone, anywhere is out there reading this, which is both scary and comforting at the same time), I've been trying to use my artwork as my constant-- my rock-- so I don't turn to food so much. But things have me spiraling a bit these days and I realize it feels like it's harder and takes more effort to try and fit artwork into my life, whereas food was just fast, easy and convenient. Food I could sit around and eat while I worked, or when I was too tired to move. Art, well, I need to drop everything else and I need to have energy for because I get engulfed in it.

I'm tired. Sometimes I just wish I could just... take a break. Put it on pause and do what I want, what I feel like, without worrying about consequences. So I sat, after eating a big salad and a chicken hot dog for dinner (bunless, as we only had white flour bread), and trying to get used to black coffee without all the cream and sweeteners, tired with no time or energy for even sketching, trying to work late, without any gratuitous munchies, and I found myself thinking, "Damn. This sucks."

So I stopped a moment and meditated on this. I realized it is all the little changes that I don't want are going to mount up to the bigger changes that I so desperately do want. And that is the sight that I have to keep in the front of my mind so I can stop psyching myself out with these little pity parties. 

So, it being a new moon with the moon in Taurus on a Thursday, and I decided it was a good time for a spontaneous working for strength. I broke out some herbs and ground them up in the mortar and pestle, took it with my censer and a charcoal briquette out to the porch and had a seat  near my herbs. I invoked Artemis and blessed the incense in Her name, asking Her to empower it with Her strength and steadfastness. Then burned it and stepped over the censer, allowing the smoke to strengthen me and carry my weakness away.

And I feel better... still tired but realizing I am on the right course, and sacrifices are always necessary in life. I have the choice of sacrificing my health for the food I want, or sacrificing the food for the health-- including the years of life-- I want. And when you put those on the scales, guess which side comes crashing down?

Thanks, Artemis.

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