You know, it's been hard at times, it's not always easy, but I've hung in there and I've been doing good. I have stuck to eating fair and reasonable... and I have managed to stay away from my "trigger" foods.
Trigger foods-- have I explained them? I'm not sure if it is a technical term, but trigger foods are what I call foods that trigger the binges (or at least the desire to binge). Many of mine are carbs... for instance, I can't stop eating mashed potatoes once I start. I will stand there and lick the damn pot and spoon clean, and I can't stop thinking about food after I eat mashed potatoes.
One of my trigger foods is soda; not diet soda so much as I don't like it that much, but full-sugar soda. Pepsi in particular.
So my dear husband who is out of work right now as you may know if you (if anyone on the planet) reads this... so he fixed dinner tonight as I was working. And he wanted to have soda with dinner, so he went out with the intention to buy diet soda, but picked up regular and never bothered to check.
Well, I'm out of regular bottled water, tap water here tastes horrible and I can barely choke it down. And I've been drinking Crystal Lite with dinner for months, so the idea of some diet soda was really nice-- a change, and not going off track. Lovely.
So he poured me some soda and I worked as I ate and I gulped it down. I wasn't paying attention it was just such a nice change... so I poured some more. Something I don't usually do with diet drinks at all. And as I'm gulping down big cup #2, and I stop because I realize--- I want to just take the bottle and guzzle it like water and throw in some Doritos. Or ice cream. And have a cigarette. And I'm wondering why these thoughts are stirring up now right now, when 5 minutes ago my mind was completely engrossed in research about citronella oil and I was totally satisfied with my baked chicken and big veggie salad (seriously, it was so good). And I lick my lips and realize, "oh no-- it tastes too sweet; it's too good-- no aftertaste!"
And sure enough, I check the bottle and it's regular freaking soda.
And I am so angry (not so much at him, it was an honest mistake, though considering he drank like 2 cups before I touched the stuff you'd think he might have noticed first!).
I'm angry because now I am craving chips and sweets and cigarrettes. I'm angry because I never intended to "cheat" and now I wasted a lot of perfectly good calories and carbs on something I would have just as soon as done without. I mean, I had planned a nice little snack planned and now I can't even eat it in good faith because of this overindulgence on sugar water.
I'm mad because I feel like it's taken me off track a bit and it wasn't even my fault! I mean, if I fell of the wagon, I can only blame myself... but this! Ugh!
Well, I'm a bit calmer now than I actually was after dinner, I was in some PMS-induced bitching fest, and my husband tried to help me relax by doing an energy cleansing on me, and it did work for a while and I calmed down and got on with my night, but now as I sit here reflecting on it I feel the anger at the situation just flairing up again a bit.
I am just praying and meditating tonight in all hopes that these cravings will disappate as I sleep because I'm sitting here wanting to cry.
And some sneaky freaking part of my brain all night has been like, "go ahead, you already blew it today! Go run out and get some snacks! Hit some drive throughs! Go wild tonight! You have to get back on the wagon tomorrow anyway, but might as well not waste tonight!"
And as tempting as it sounds, as much as the thought of turning it down makes me want to cry, I just simpy refuse to give into these compulsive thoughts of an addict. NO! I WILL remain in control of myself, this is not going to mess up my body, really, mainly my head, but I will NOT let it beat me and defeat me all because of some dumb careless mistake!!! Drinking the soda was unfortunate, but I am not going to use it as an excuse to do the things that I know will eventually end up killing me years before my time.
I WILL get over this.
Damn I HATE being addicted like this to freaking food! It has ruled my life long enough! It has changed my life and bought down the quality of life and probably already sucked years-- maybe decades-- of my life away! And I let it! Like a total asshole, I just allowed it to happen! Oh, I fought it, but not enough, and took too much guilty pleasure in my unhealthy addiction when I did fall in to it... Damn it, I'm not going to let it keep doing this to me!!! It's not going to beat me!!!
And people say, "Oh, just eat less..." when that has probably been one of the hardest things to do in my life. WHY DON'T THEY JUST GET IT??? Next time they feel like crying and toss and turn all night and shake and want to pull their hair out of their head because they can't have Doritos, then they can tell me how freaking to "just eat less" ALL the time when I feel like this. Let them tell me something useful, like how NOT to feel like this when I "just eat less" and then, maybe THEN, I can actually use their advice.
It's just not fair I feel this way now. I was being good and careful. I don't know or care if it is psychological or physiological or biological... all I know is this is how I feel and I can't stand it.
I think I am going to go burn a candle at my altar and ask the Goddess to just wrap her arms around me and pour into me the strength and determination I need to get through this episode quickly. Why, oh why oh why, is this so hard sometimes?