Talking it out

So after working my darling husband and I sat around watching stuff on Netflix and we got to talking, and the conversation turned to food.

And he got very nervous and defensive and basically admitted he had a childish and immature attitude but he is only doing this because he knows he "has" to for me & the kids but really the way he feels he loves food and wants food and it makes him mad that the world comes between him and food and that's that.

And we got to talking about whether or not it is a healthy attitude that is going to help him or hurt him in the long run.

And he made the comparison of food, if you personify it, being like an abusive lover... you know, the kind of person you become obsessed with, want to be with every minute, feel totally possessive over, but really it's not a healthy attachment, and in the mean while you're like a prisoner to this lover because you can't go out and be free and do anything on your own, and this lover is just hurting you, putting you down and chipping away and sucking the life out of you, and you know it's bad for you but you can't help wanting to be with the lover, wishing this person would just change and treat you better and do better by you, but really it's never going to happen and deep down you know it but can't accept it.

And tears rolled down as I thought about how much of my life I'd wasted on food; how much this unhealthy obsession with this abusive lover has taken from me, held me back, prevented me from things I've loved and even prevented me from loving myself. Has reduced my self-worth and blown away my self-esteem and made a mockery of me until I was but a shadow of my former self.

And I realized that "breaking it off" is so hard, but necessary. And of course, having food every day is like living with your ex-lover trying to share an apartment. You have to learn to get along and cooperate but it is so hard sometimes not to have feelings, to be confused, jealous, desperate, lustful... but you know it's bad and you wish you could just walk away.

Again, I find myself thinking I wish I could just walk away from food. Put it behind me, say goodbye and move on with my life. But how to do that, how to do that when it has to be in my life every day.

(sigh)

Spell for the full moon: magical weight-loss surgery or the appetite binding. Both my husband and myself.

Tired tonight, It's almost 4 am. I think I'll just turn in. I feel drained; but in a good way.