Did a 3-card Tarot spread today to try and see what I need to do... looks like I'm just going to have to deal with this internal strife, and the setbacks it causes, until it wears off. I gotta get through my funk, basically.
After a long, hard night I feel a little better off-- calmer, but still upset. The torrent of cravings unleashed by this unintentional indulgence has left me feeling hopeless and futile. I'm even trying to occasionally push out of my head the "why bother? Can't you see it's futile, nothing will ever work?" thoughts out of my mind.
I was trying to talk to my husband today of how defeated and frustrated I feel... I know it's not really fair to torture some guys with these sessions of turning over and examining and complaining about feelings-- his response is very much the male-brain response: you didn't do it on purpose; can't change it. Just move on. And I admire men for being able to let go... but I have the female mind.
I am one of those people who firmly believes there is much more of a difference between genders than just genitals. The male mind and the female mind just work differently. Neither is better; men have their advantages and women have their advantages... it's just different processing (and I do believe that people can be male and have a female mind and female but have a male mind-- so really genitals have nothing to do with it; it's more of a yin/yang thing).
Anyway... yes, he is able to put it in perspective and get past it. Maybe that's because for him it's only been a few days anyway, and for me I feel like I have been battling much longer so much more has been destroyed. Maybe it's just a cursed hormonal imbalance thing. But yeah, it's not so easy to let go.
So I was trying to explain to him how it's so frustrating to have the cravings and feel like you are at the mercy of your object of obsession.
And he heard it as, "It is very unfortunate that I can't eat what I want when I want it; I wish I could."
But that is not what I meant... what I meant was the addiction part sucks big time. It's not so much that I wish I could eat anything whenever... it's that I wish I could take or leave food the way some people do. The way I could take or leave a beer without really caring. The way I can go to Vegas, sit down at a slot machine, throw in a few quarters, and, win or lose, walk away bored to look at something else. I'm sure there are alcoholics and compulsive gamblers who wish they could do that and have no clue how I can... that's how I feel about eating.
If medical science really wanted to do the fat person a favor, they'd forget about developing these surgeries that allow us to eat tiny portions, or these pills that are supposed to want to make us eat less. They'd come up with an injection or a pill or something to give us complete nourishment so we can get food out of our lives forever. So I never had to shop, never had to stop and stock the fridge and cabinets, never had to spend several times a day wondering what to eat. I would not have to spend several times a day giving into my addiction only slightly, then pulling myself back from it and stopping short of going overboard. Food would just be one of those things I kicked, something I don't do anymore, like when people give up television and just give away the set, or when they give up smoking and they just stop buying ciggs and air out the house.
I don't want food to have that power over me anymore, but it is sooooo ingrained in me that I don't know if I can ever permanently overcome it. Last night was a real shake-up as that realization hit me in the face like a slap. Losing weight is not something I can just do and be done with-- food addiction is going to be a life-long battle. It's going to be there with me, every day, where ever I happen to go. And no drugs or therapy or surgery or diet or even spell will ever likely remove that from my life, at least not permanently. Basically all of these alternatives in my arsenal to fight it are, at best, going to keep it at bay, but I don't think that I'll ever really win.
And by win, I don't mean losing weight; yes, I do believe I can win that particular battle and take the weight off... but the problem is that the fighting to do it and keep it off will never stop. The food addition will go on. I will never be able to really rest, I will always have to be vigilant, always have to be ready to spring into action, always have to be prepared to suffer blows and even minor defeats and just keep picking up and keep fighting.
That, more than just losing the pounds, is the thought that truly wearies me-- that it's never eneding.
I was reading another blog that said you have more chances to survive cancer than take off and keep off weight... and it is a sad but true fact. (and then people say, "just eat less," or "just make up your mind," and no wonder I want to punch them, because it'd be like telling a cancer patient, "just heal.").
And the thing is that I know that if I lose the psych, if I lose the mental battle, the rest is all shot to hell. And that is scary because that means a lot is riding on emotion and attitude and those things fluctuate so much and there are so many things that can influence them.
So I am back to thinking about the "hating food" spell.
And I have one more idea up my sleeve for this full moon, but this post is getting so long I think I will think more on it and get to it tomorrow.
In the mean time, I am hanging in there.
Boy I really wish there were people to talk to here, reading and responding;... it's hard to talk to friends, as most of my friends do not have weight problems like I do, and some things are just embarrassing, it's so much easier to with the writing and the anonymity. If anyone ever stumbles across my ramblings and manages just to get through them, please give even a minor shout-out so I won't feel so alone?