Knocked for a Loop

Wow, rough day. My husband is getting let go from his new job.

For a fleeting moment, I thought about running to the market for a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of Doritos, and a gallon of ice cream; but then I thought I'm not going to do that to myself, not after I've worked so hard.

So then I walked around in shock for a little while, and didn't know what to do-- sit, stand, lay down, work, clean, watch TV-- I was so confused. But I didn't have a melt down, so that's good-- apparently the neurotransmitters are in order well enough tonight thank Goddess.

Then I thought about a cigarette... but no, not only do I not want to start that up again, but the last thing I need in these uncertain times is a costly habit. So my mind turned to food again.

Then I walked around again a while, in shock, layed down, got up, walked around wondering what exactly to do... the night felt so surreal, like time had stood still, as if doing things again, going back to the normal routine would somehow-- I don't know-- make reality hit harder.

So I finally decided to get out my paints and do some painting; And I was out of canvass board, I had no wood boards to paint on (I love painting on wood; I sometimes keep old cabinet doors or shelves for the occasion). So I borrowed some paper from my son's art class pad and started to paint on it.

And after a while I began to paint on myself... things like sons and flowers and leaves and vines and a rainbow and spirals, and words like Live Life Love Family It'll Be Okay... I painted my arms, then my legs and my feet, I just kept on going.

And then I made us something to eat and he and I sat down, and he got stuff off his chest and I let him know  I loved him and I know he did his best and that it just wasn't a good fit and we agreed that things would be okay as they always are, and he's going to start looking again this week and I am going to start working full time and he's going to take over the homeschooling and housework more until he finds something else... and he still has his little part-time job cleaning a lodge couple of hours a week that brings in a couple hundred a month which is good and he's going to try and find more things like that, even if just temporary. And we decided we're going to  try to find a new hobby to do together that has some income potential-- so far we've tossed around dumpster diving for furniture to refinish and sell on E-Bay, collaberate on a novel or make herbal soap to sell.

And I'm sitting here at 3 am, feeling a bit drained and still a bit stunned, still bright and colorful painted up like a clown, looking at my drying artwork and thinking of framing one that I really like... and trying to reassure myself that I'm going to be able to face tomorrow, and the following week and the rest of this uncertain time.

I know we'll get through this; but I get tired of uncertainty. I grow weary sometimes of holding my breath hoping things will be okay... they usually are, and even when they aren't we get through and overall life is good and happy so who am I to complain? But I'm too much of a worrier to deal with uncertainty sometimes.

But I keep telling myself:
it will be okay
we are not destitute
we have options
we are capable, hard-working people
we'll figure out a solution
and life will go on, as always, just as beautiful
we still have what is important and we are luckier than many so we have nothing to complain about
and I do not need to eat or smoke my way through this crisis which will pass soon enough

I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep; I'm such a bad sleeper as it is; I'm sitting here watching Netflix DVDs of House M.D. and Legend of the Seeker, Season 1. It's not bad;  kind of a fun fantasy; it has 2 seasons but I hear it was cancelled. But it's not like it's Firefly which really didn't deserve the ax-- don't even get me started on that one!

Well, I guess I've moved on from journaling to pondering to rambling, so I will sign off now. I'm sure tomorrow will be a beatiful day full of hope and promise.