Blessed Beltane

Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out... Benjamin Franklin

Ben is right; what matters is not making mistakes or having a failure-- what matters is you pick yourself up and continue. Nothing I have ever done that I am proud of came easy. People who know success don't find it with complete ease and total perfection... they find it because when they got knocked down, they got up, brush themselves off and keep going. They don't sit there and cry about how hard it is, that doesn't help. They don't sit there and whine about how much better other's have it, that doesn't do any good either. You have to focus on you, on getting up, and going on, trying again, and keep going no matter how tough the road gets.

That's why I love Ben.

Tonight at sunset starts a Wiccan holiday. My husband is off and took the kids to the pool while I clean and finish up a little work and get some quiet in here for a while. We made some decorations this week, also made some incense and Beltane prosperity and energy spell candles that we will charge tonight in our family ritual.

At sunset, we light the sun candle at the altar. We have prayers, songs, chants, stories, sometimes seasonal enactments, make offerings and feast. It is a quiet sabbat, just the 4 of us today (the elusive college-age daughter seems to be too caught up in her life these days to visit us on holidays).

We're having spiced orange pork chops (lean, center-cut), glazed carrots, corn; some fruit and baked pastries for dessert. I am going to try and find balance between completely depriving myself and going overboard.

I guess these times-- holidays and such-- will be the test. Can I handle it? It's hard.

The kids don't have weight problems and I've worked hard to try and keep it that way by reserving my binging to the dead of night or when I'm in the kitchen, alone, cooking. We eat fresh, lean, baked or broiled meats seasoned with fresh herbs or we eat eggs or legumes or casseeroles. I make sure they eat a wide variety of fresh and frozen veggies which are on their plates every day; I keep white flour carbs to a minimum (about 1 or 2 servings per day) in favor of whole grains and high fiber carbs. They eat limited sweets and treats; candy only comes in at about 4 holidays a year and maybe a bag of chips or box of cookies comes in once a month. I allow them soda in limited quantities when we go out, mostly they drink water or milk or crystal lite, and once in a while diet soda or fruit drinks. I buy fairly decently nutritious cereal with minimal sugars, I don't go overboard offer them fruits and popcorn, keep the fast foods and buttery and fried stuff to an absolute minimum (once a week maybe). They run around, swim and play.

They're in good shape. I want them to stay in good shape; but I don't want them to be deprived of fun things like holiday baking and treats. But the holiday baking and treats are my drug. I get afraid that I will pass on the addiction, or that in providing it for them I will trigger my own weaknesses.

Sometimes I tell myself it is better to just do without; like an alcoholic not only giving up hard booze but staying away from bars and even friends houses where there might be beers passed around on Superbowl Sunday. Just stay away, and the kids will never miss what they never had.

Other times, I wonder if balance is the key-- can balance be found, or have I gone so far out of balance already that the only way to remedy it is to go to the other extreme.

Is balance possible with me?

Will it be possible with our kids, considering both my husband and myself are obese?

Or have I missed that boat?

And what about Naiomi?

Sorry... getting carried away there (a low-fat cookie to anyone who can guess what that's from!). But these are the questions I struggle with. After all I am going through, will I ever be able to find balance, or will trying send me over the edge? Am I better just staying away from the fence and should I take my family with me?

Boy I wish there were people reading this, I would so love opinions and advice.

In the mean time, if there are any Pagans out there who are celebrating, Beltane Blessings to you and yours.

Artistic Frenzies, Laughter, and Rejuvination

I painted today (well, yesterday) for 7 1/2 hours.

I don't mean I just painted a wall white, and I don't mean I painted for a while then took a break then painted...

I mean I got caught up in a creative frenzy painting a mural for scenery of a play at my church...

I spent 7 1/2 hours... one paint brush in one hand working on the canvass, one clenched between my teeth and two more tucked between my fingers in the hand holding a paper plate as a pallette, mixing colors and bending and stretching and shading and highlighting and detailing...

I was in an altered state of consciousness, completely oblivious to time and space, nothing existing but me and colors and canvass, paint splattered on me like the ritual decoration of some tribal warrior with a mind focused only on the battle.

It is relaxing and exhilerating to get caught up in an artistic frenzy like that... if I could do that every day, I wouldn't think much about food and be too tired to eat at night.

So I got home and didn't feel like working or anything; I ate a bowl of cereal for dinner and dozed on the sofa while the kids were watching some tv and running around getting ready for bed. They woke me up to kiss me good night and I realized my back, shoulder and painting arm were killing me.

Oh, don't get me wrong, it was totally worth it... but killing me nonetheless. So I popped a quick asprin.

Maybe it's because when I get caught up painting like that it's like sex, some kind of creative orgasm, I felt like having a ciggarette.... but of course I haven't smoked in 4 months and am not about to start again now, so I decided to just veg out on the couch and watch TV and try not to think about it.

I watched some documentary about an artist/anthropologist who went to live with tribal cultures where male homosexuality was as normal as having a poker buddy, and where they practiced cannibalism until even very recently. It was pretty interesting.

Then I put on some old episodes of the 70's sit-com "Soap" on Netflix live stream... and Oh My Goddess did I laugh and laugh and laugh.

And after all that creativity and all that laughter I feel so relaxed and rejuvinated. I wish I could just take a hot bath to top off the night but I have to clean the tub-- I only like to take baths just after the tub has been well cleaned-- and I'm feeling too lazy to do that (besides, it's on the chore list for Friday, and it's not my turn).


Speaking of baths, I was looking through an old Scott Cunningham book for an incense recipe, Incense, Oils and Brews, and came across a dieters bath. It looks good, but my only objection is he recommends doing it twice a day for 2 weeks... wow, that's a lot of bathing, tub-cleaning and not to mention my electric bill from all that hot water will shoot up a good 50 bucks next month. But I am considering it. But you have to start it 2 nights after the full moon, so I have a month to think on it.

So anyway... I recommend to you, if you love an art-- drawing, painting, dancing, playing music, drama, writing, photography, scrapbooking, or whatever it might be-- and if you haven't done it in a while, take some time and get creative. Sometimes it seems like there is too little time to fit such hobbies into our day or week, but the thing is when we do we feel so good and relaxed that it makes getting all the other jobs done a bit easier and more pleasant.

And I also recommend renting or buying Soap on DVD and having a good night of laughs!

Bright Blessings...

No Dice

I just couldn't get into it last night; too many distractions. Ben (the dog, not the founding father) was so excited about my going on the porch around 1 a.m. that he was pawing me and trying to egg me on to play. Rowdy young barely legal aged kids walked by, as usual talking loudly as I noticed barely legal aged kids do, still believing they are the center of the world and that anyone in the vicinity would probably want to watch their performance of "Life: starring Me!"

So I cut a bit of sage and bundled it up to make a smudge stick because my last one is half-way used up.

I am off to paint scenery (I love it! I never get to work on that big a canvass at home!). I will be back later.

But I just wanted to say, the bloating is down, and I'm down another pound.

I will try again tonight when I get home and if I am successful I will report.

Just Another Day

Got through another day... woo-hoo. I made quiches tonight; vegetable quiches. One was spinach, garlic and roasted red pepper, the other was broccoli, cauliflower and carrots.

I threw a little chopped bacon in there for flavor. A little bit goes such a long way. Luckily, things like bacon are things I can take in moderation-- even small quantities-- and be completely satisfied. I'm not a huge meat-eater. And I love my veggies. It's the carbs that kill me time and time again. But I really am not into low-carb diets; too much protien and veggies are not enough.

I got my period so I am a pound up by the scale, but I'm not counting it yet because it's probably just bloating and hopefully will go down in a day or two.

It is 12:34 here, beautiful full moon night, and I am just wrapping up some work. I do not feel up to a full-blown ritual, especially since I am out of incense (dang mail order charcoal is taking longer than I thought) and I have to get up early to go to my church in the morning (a UU church, not a Christian church) and paint the scenery for a production they are putting on this weekend.

Besides, Beltane is in a couple of days, I'm doing a ritual then, and planning on doing a spell to melt fat more quickly at the disseminating moon or last quarter (I've decided to put off the drastic food-hating spell at this point) so I didn't feel into anything heavy tonight.

So I think, after signing off, I will go out and sit on the porch near my fragrant herbs under that full moon and light a candle and maybe meditate and see if I can meet the Old Wise One and have a little chat about this new issue of embarrassment and about whether or not drastic measures are called for... and I'm sure she won't give me a direct answer as she never does, but will probably give me more to think about, which she usually does.

Well, I was poking around looking for weight loss spells on the internet, hoping I’d find something interesting that could inspire me or one I could adapt for my needs, when I found this article: http://www.weightlossobesity.com/weight-loss/weight-loss-spells.html

It seems the author, a guy who claims to be a doctor and who, mind you, is pretty much just trying to sell diet supplements on his website. I would bet he only put this article on his website for the SEO or “Search Engine Optimization” value– so that when people go searching for Witchcraft and magic and spells in relation to weight-loss, the search engines will pick up his website. He only writes a brief paragraph on Witchcraft and weight loss, then goes on to pitch his own products for the rest of it.

But basically he thinks using Witchcraft to help with obesity is “bizarre” and advises people to “skip the magic.” (and by the way, really, if he thinks Witchcraft is nothing more than lighting a candle for the afternoon or carrying a crystal for instant gratification, why be so worried about people doing that? This is why I believe mentioning Witchcraft is for the search engines.)

One thing he is right about– people do look for spells thinking that they can get instant gratification. People who don’t understand Witchcraft decide they are desperate for results and will try anything, so they buy a book or do a google search thinking if they just light a candle and utter a little rhyme over it, that they will be a size 6 by the time their date comes to pick them up.

The fact is, these people who don’t understand and have never studied The Craft, and Dr. Edward F. Group III, DC, ND, DACBN, are wrong. All they have proven is that they understand zip about Witchcraft– If you have realistic expectations and understand magic, you don’t expect it to work miracles. But it does help. Immensely for me.


Why do people claim Witchcraft cannot have an ounce of truth to it, and then go on to cite the improbability of fantastic things that even most Witches don't believe in, things born out of fiction and superstition, and claim that it's evidence that Witchcraft doesn't work?


It's like if I told you I don't believe bunnies are real because you can't produce the Easter Bunny. You show me real rabbits, and I say, "Sure, they're there, we know about rabbits, but what about the Easter Bunny? You can't produce him, can you? So bunnies don't exist!"

It’s silly, isn’t it? Asking to prove something by asking for the fiction that grew out of it and ignoring reality in front of you.

Witchcraft is like bunnies; most people demand the Easter Bunny as proof. Then they ignore the more subtle but real evidence– the hole in the ground, the scattered poop balls, the garden veggies that have nibble marks in them, the furry little long-haired cotton-tailed creatures hopping around under the name of rabbits– and ask for something fantastical as proof for bunnies.

When you try to tell them that your bunnies are their rabbits and you never believed in the Easter Bunny, either, they don't get it.

No one should be expecting instant-gratification with Witchcraft; no one should be expecting a “get out of working for it free” card. Witchcraft requires time to tackle an immense problem like this; it’s still a pound-by-pound, day-by-day, problem-by-problem issue that will take as long as it needs to resolve itself– and as long as you keep working on it, it eventually will resolve itself.

But you still have to do the work– the biggest misconception of all about Witchcraft is it does things for you instead of you doing the work... when what it actually does is help you do the work more efficiently. The fact is, without creating a clear channel for all that energy to travel, it just scatters and is fairly ineffective.

You have to create your own path toward your own goal and keep moving along on it– Witchcraft can most definitely help me move along that path. But if I stopped making the path, what would Witchcraft have to offer? The magic would have no where to go.

This is why I have said from the beginning– I don’t see Witchcraft as a fix-all to my problem. I have to work through the psychological and the physical and the spiritual issues; I have to eat less, exercise more, drink water and do the right thing... Witchcraft is an aid; a tool. It helps me in those necessary yet very difficult tasks; it could never, ever do it for me.

Now for me, I might not even be able to accomplish these things without utilizing Witchcraft; just like some people might need therapy; or weight-loss surgery; or to join a center where there is guidance and support and a strictly mapped-out eating plan.

So basically the Witchcraft does the exact same thing the good Dr’s supplements do: it is an aid to your efforts. A tool you can use. It helps you.

But it can’t do it all for you, and it won’t be instant or without serious effort.

Seems to me this doctor misrepresents his products (the ingredients listed are all commonly found in dieting supplements– they are not new revolutions– but some of them don’t work the way he claims, and they certainly don’t help with most of the problems people with severe obesity face-- like bad habits or overcoming abuse) as badly as he misrepresents Witchcraft.

I hate that Witchcraft, which has been one of the most beautiful and uplifting and powerful and positive forces in my life– right up there with the love of God/dess and family– is so frequently misunderstood. The skeptics who are so quick to dismiss it and scoff at it are as infuriating as the flaky people who think having watched Charmed and reading one new-age book makes them an expert on real Witchcraft.

Reassessing Goals

So, 4 months have passed, and I've been off-line for a while, so I thought it was a good time to review.

Some of life's challenges have sure given me a run for my money for a while-- my car, my computer, my husband losing his job, worrying about my daughter (long story-- but it's hers to tell, not mine), and my back problems, etc.

But I am hanging in there. 30 down seems like a lot to most people, for me it's about a drop in the bucket and it seems there is still such a long way to go. But I can't focus on that or I'll get discourage; I have to focus on my accomplisments. The distance to come doesn't matter; as long as I take one step at a time I will get there, that is the important part I must keep telling myself.

My little runner, though still in the early stages of her journey, is more than a quarter of the way in. I've lost almost 10% of my body weight and lowered my BMI by 5 points. People are noticing by looking at me, and I am noticing by the feeling. I have a little more energy and a bit more stamina. I'm losing at a rate of about 7 or 8 pounds per month, which is great, but I expect it to be cut in half soon... but even 5 lbs per month would be good to me; that would put me at my half-way mark-- 75 pounds-- before the end of this year!

I have completely quit smoking (not so much as a puff since New Year's Eve!) and completely cleaned & reorganized my house and am in the process of redecorating.

What I did not accomplish: I didn't get my garden started! Oh, I've got herbs and such, but no tomatoes, peppers, cukes, zucchini or carrots. Partly was because of the financial crisis that is thankfully over, but also because we had an unusually long winter here. Usually veggies get transplanted by the beginning to mid-March; it was still too cold in early March, though. Even the local growers here had difficulties, the produce was, frankly, crap for a while. And by the time the weather began to warm up there seemed no point, because the temps could be up in the 90's by the time they are ready to fruit, and most don't set fruit when the weather is that hot. So I decided to just forget the Spring planting this year and hope for better conditions for fall planting.


And moving right along, I've found an issue I need to work on...

On a side note... why does it embarrass me so much when people complement me? I know they are doing it to be encouraging and they are happy for me, I know they mean well, but still, I want to run and hide whenever they do it!

Part of it feels like it is because I don't want attention drawn to myself or my problem. Yes, I'm losing weight, but that's only because I got so fat in the first place, and that makes me feel so shameful and slovenly and sloppy. I'd rather remain invisible, thank you very much.

Part of it might be that I don't want people to notice because if I fail then they won't be disappointed in me or won't think I'm weak and pathetic.

Maybe it is my low self esteem, low confidence, low self image, low self love-- all that rearing it's ugly head-- making it that I can't bare a compliment, as if psychologically some part of me feels like I don't even deserve one.

I think I might have to pay a visit to the Old Wise Woman to work this out; I'm not really sure what the deal is here. I need to get to the heart of the matter before I can figure out what to do with it.

Also, Beltane is coming, and I plan to do a good, long look into my situation with divination.

Still thinking about that "drastic" spell. Maybe I need to consult the Old Wise Woman about that, too.

Dinner tonight is-- leftovers and ramen noodles. Crystal lite. Maybe I'll make some sugar free jello, and go for a long walk with the dog later. I also have to do laundry-- that counts as exercise, no?

OMG I'm Back!!!

No, I didn't give up! IN FACT I've been continuing to lose. I am down to 345.

Okay, okay, so it's not "melting" off me like butter... but you know what? Even losing slowly as a glacier moves is still better than not losing at all.

I definitely do not lose as easily and quickly as when I was 30. No big deal; bodies change. I didn't do it then, so it's a bit harder now. Every choice or action (or inaction) has it's consequences. Instead of lamenting about how much faster I lost when I was 20 or 30 I'll just take comfort that I can lose faster now than if I waited another 10 years.

You know, I don't mind aging; I actually like myself better at this age; I know more about who I am, where I'm going, I've taken the Fool's Journey (at least most of it) and I have come to realizations that have given me a much better perspective and handle on life. I wouldn't do my 20's again if you paid me.

I just get angry at myself sometimes, at what I've done to my body and my health, because it's probably going to shorten my life by 20 years or so; if I can reverse some of the damage and gain back even 5 it will be worth the effort.

But I can't dwell on that anger. I have to forgive myself, move on, and let go. And that is the ritual & meditation I am doing this next full moon: forgiving myself. Forgiving my younger self for the mistakes I've made; forgiving my older self for not picking up the pieces and putting them back in the right order soon; forgiving myself for procrastinating and ignoring important things. Yes, I've screwed up, now I must let it go and move onward and upward.

I owe you a couple of picks; I did take them. And will update that this week by Beltane.

So what happened?

My computer and my car went down at the same time... and this all took place during my husband's layoff.

So, my husband and I worked on it and he got a better job, better pay, better hours, and started just 3 weeks after his layoff.

The computer was a wreck... I don't even know what happened... viruses, etc.; I'm not technical, I can't deal with that stuff. So until I could get it fixed, I just considered it a sabbatical. It was nice, really... I worked on my BOS adding stuff and revising stuff I'd been meaning to for years. I'd just been shoving things into it scribbled on paper, it was becoming a bit of a mess, really, it's embarrassing. I've been getting artistic and creative-- sketching and drawing. I also cleaned and organized my entire house, top to bottom, and re-acquainted with old friends... the beautiful weather in the last few weeks has kept me outdoors a bit more as well. Oh, and I've decided to go back to school this fall, to a college that teaches metaphysical sciences, so I'll be taking more advanced studies in tarot and herbalism and meditation. That's exciting.


When I finally got back on, I couldn't find my blog, then I couldn't remember my password (I actually thought I had been logging in with a different e-mail address. Oops. I'm such a techno-klutz).

And as for the car... well, it's still in critical condition, but we have a tax refund coming so that should give us the balance we need to fix it. It's such a good car, save for a tire slow leak it has not given me a problem since I got it 3 years ago (and it's 10 years old!) so I really can't complain. It will be riding again.

I have to admit, though, I am in Disney withdrawal.


And as for the weight-loss progress--

I got to thinking, I might have to do some seriously heavy spell work. I have not broken my addiction to food; I can still feel it there, under the surface. I'm afraid I'll fall off the wagon. I am thinking of doing a drastic spell to make me hate food.

I know, I know; it sounds drastic, be careful what you wish for, etc.... But I seem to have 2 choices: revolving my life around food spending half my day thinking about it while I try to resist it, or hating food and forcing myself to eat something or have a protien drink a couple of times per day.

I don't know. It's drastic, but it might be what I need to break this chain/cycle. Heck, weight loss surgery is drastic, too, isn't it? But people do it.

Tonight for dinner: baked chicken (skinless), leftover cucumber & tomato salad from last night (my basil is so flavorful this season!!), spinach, some kind of Mexican squash I picked up at the market and forgot what it's called (broiled & seasoned with fresh garden herbs).

Did I ever mention that if it weren't for my husband and kids I'd be a pescatarian? Maybe I'll talk about that next time.

Hey, I wonder if anyone is reading or has found this blog? Bet you thought I'd quit on you, huh!

WELL I DIDN'T-- AND I'M BACK!!!
(happy dance).

It's actually hard for me not to believe...

People say magic-- or "magick" as is the in-vogue way of spelling it (I can't stand that, personally)-- they say it isn't real because there is no evidence.

I find myself having a hard time not believing in it.

I think the problem is that, when they find evidence-- when they figure it out-- the skeptics claim it wasn't magic after all... there was a scientific explanation.

Here is their first problem-- they seem to think that magic cannot have a scientific explanation.

Of course it does... and should.

I'm not talking about movie magic, or tv magic, or folklore magic or fiction; I'm talking about real magic through the ages.

Healing with herbs. They didn't know the herbs had biochemicals in them, or how our bodies could be affected by them. They just realized that if they made a poultice of spagnum moss and put it on a nasty cut, the cut healed better and had less chance of getting infected.

They didn't know about neuro-linguistic programming, or self-fulfilled prophecies, or the effects that color, sounds and scents can have on our psyche, or how things like semi-meditative states left the human mind very suggestive. They just knew that if they drummed and burned a certain incense and painted the hunter with red clay by the fire light as they chanted words of power, the hunter would perform better. He was pumped up for the job, psyched up like an Olympic athelete gets psyched up before a game.

The problem is that people think figuring out how magic works means somehow that it didn't exist. No, figuring out how magic works proves that it did exist.

I think there are still things to figure out. Still energies and phenomena of physics and all that stuff I don't have a real great grasp on and workings of the human brain... I think there still are mysteries about these things left that we will someday find out more about.


I remember when I went to a ritual... oh, had to be about 15 years ago. I wasn't entirely new to Wicca or Witchcraft, but fairly. It was a sabbat, and there were a couple hundred people-- at least-- present. Well, I'd been sick with a cold/bronchitis and wasn't quite over it, and taking cough syrup and all that. In the ritual, we started to cast a group spell, which was very powerful as everyone was very passionate about it. And we were supposed to visualize raising our own energy, and began to do so.

And I began to feel a little tired, fuzzy-headed, you know? And as people before me began dancing around to raise energy, I got tingly. I had to step back and lean against a wall. Then we were supposed to raise our energy to join together. And when people did that, I felt like electricity was charging through my body or something. I felt myself slide down the wall, still leaning against it. My vision just faded out and all the sounds faded. I don't know how long it was, probably not more than a minute or two, but I heard a voice calling me as if I were picking up really bad reception on a staticy radio. I opened my eyes and my vision came back and a friend was kneeling down calling me, trying to revive me. I felt so weak and trembly and fuzzy.

I'd never fainted before in my life. Was it coincidence that I fainted, beginning to feel tingly when the energy was being raised individually, and getting completely faint when it was all joined together? Maybe. But my life is peppered with those kinds of instances, so it's hard for me to believe that there is not something more to them.

And when it comes down to it, I'm a fairly level-headed person. I'm not gullible about things, I don't tend to believe easily, I usually have a healthy dose of scepticism. I'm not gullible. But for some reason, as I've said, when it comes to magic, granted not everything people hear about it is true... but it's hard for me not to believe there is something more out there to learn about it.

As I've said, I'm not one to argue or try to prove magic. If someone doesn't believe, I don't really care. That's their peroggative. Maybe they're right. But... well, maybe they're not. All I can say to the sceptics are, I have reasonable doubt and just can't write it all off.

And to those who think magic is all evil devil-worship hocus-pocus instant-gratification all-powerful-like?... well, I can't agree with them either. They are like the sceptics, the opposite side of the coin. They are misinterpreting and they are misunderstanding and they are misrepresenting.

One Month Down

Well, my internet is acting funny, so I have to go to the library to do any work, which is making my days kinda crazy busy, however at least those hours sitting in the library I do not think about eating or smoking. For the most part, the smoking cravings have subsided, except for those stressful moments in the middle of the night when I'm working late, but since I haven't been doing that as much lately, it's not an issue. I do sometimes get cravings to nosh; but I try to get involved in something artistic, because when I get swept up in an artistic frenzy I forget about everything but what I'm doing.

So a good by-product of this whole get healthy thing is that I have been forcing time to unleash some creativity into my day. Time well spent, as I see it. I spend too much time neglecting my artistic drive, my husband says It's like therapy for me because I'm more relaxed when I allow myself creative indulgences.

The big issue that is stressing me out these days is money & him getting laid off. I won't get into that again, but I'm sure you all know in this economy how hard that's going to be-- especially for people with no assets to turn to. We pretty much live by the paycheck, we rent an apt rather than own a home, make car payments, etc... so it's going to be tough scrounging but thank Goddess for my freelance work because that, with his severance/unemployment benefits, should keep us afloat until he gets another job... I hope.

So I have been doing meditations, affirmations, I did cast a spell.... tonight is Imbolc, a Wiccan Sabbat which I celebrate. I plan to do crafts & stories with the kids for homeschooling, make some dinner and have sunset prayers, then after the kids go to bed I'll do a more structured ritual-- a quiet, solitary one-- and I don't usually do spells on the major sabbats but today I will be borrowing the energy of the sabbat and charging soap. That's right, soap. I'm charging my own special, home-made soap to help me wash off the excess weight.

I still want to make a Witch's bottle for my room at night and a mojo bag. These are my plans for the next time the moon phases are right.

So things are progressing-- and I am down 20 pounds for the month. While that may sound impressive you have to remember that the bigger you are, the more initial water weight you lose before you start really burning off the fat. Every month my loss tally will go down.

I've been thinking that probably one of the biggest problems I've had with weight loss in the past is impatience. Rushing to lose weight, and at first it's very satisfying when all that initial bloat comes off because you step on the scale and it's going down every day. But then the loss decreases and impatience and frustration set in. Why do I let them get to me? I didn't put these pounds on in a few months, and they're not going to come off in a few months. If I keep at it, even if I am only losing a pound or two a month, that's still better than gaining. If I had kept at it several years ago without giving into discouragement when it wasn't going fast enough, where would I be now? I'll tell you where I'd be-- healthy! That's where I'd be, at a healthy weight.

I don't think this should be treated as a temporary thing, as a race to lose with an end in sight. No, it is a life-long, permanent change. Why suffer a few months depriving myself of everything, only to lead to an eventual break down that leads to giving up? No, I should just relax and allow myself to eat normally, just healthier, and less, and incorporate some more activity into my day, and forget how fast or slow the weight loss is going... as long as it's going... as long as the scale keeps going down and not up, who really cares how long it takes? It's not like it's going to be over when I reach my goal, right? I mean, unless I'm going to gain it all back, I have to stick to the new healthier habits, right? I still have to learn how to control myself, right? I still have to learn how to fight the urges, right?

I think that is probably the downfall of all the American dieters... this is why the dieting industry is a billion dollar business. This is why even after weight loss surgery people gain weight back... because of the desire for instant gratification. People want to be thin-- now!-- and if that's not coming fast enough, they want some other form of gratification-- now!-- which, for an obese person, is typically food. How many people will come on message boards talking about how they decided they wanted to lose weight, how can they do it fast... people want it fast or they don't want it at all. That's part of the problem. Get rid of the fast.

So perhaps in the near future, a spell for patience will be in order. But I'm not worrying about speed or time limits this time.

But as for now, I owe you my monthly photo. And here it is, taken Saturday-- ignore that is a giant racoon standing next to me. You know how I love me my Disney passes... I really hope he gets a job by the summer so we can renew them. I need that Disney mojo.

Feeling Lazy

I've been working a lot on my butt this week and I am feeling very heavy and lazy. I need an energy boost. Aside from putting on some Pagan music later after working to get me going and start some chores, I think I am going to do some light yoga this afternoon. I used to go to a yoga class and have tried to keep up with it over the years but the business of life has kept it falling by the way side as I never seem to get to class and I never seem to keep up with it on my own.



Maybe I should start committing to yoga again... starting with 1 day a week and moving up.



When my husband gets laid off this month, the whole house schedule is going to change. Right now his hours suck from 11 am to 7:30-- throws my whole day off because by the time he gets home and we all eat together and the dinner dishes are cleared and the table is wiped and the kids want a little attention, I end up getting to work late at night. And staying up late. Then he gets up with the kids and drags me out of bed around 10: am

Today's Meditation

Visualization is a very important part of Witchcraft. Creative visualization in meditation is a form of positive thinking. It's like brainwashing yourself, but in a good way. Creating your own self-fulfilled prophecy. Some might also say that you are sending out positive energy towards a goal to help bring it closer to you.

I'm not going to argue the physics or metaphysics of Witchcraft. Frankly I don't care if it's 100% supernatural or 100% psychological or some mixture of the two... as long as it works for me in some way.

So, the meditation for today was visualizing looking at a table piled up with the bad foods... the kinds I usually crave... only they didn't look too appetizing. So I watched myself get rid of them and re-set the table with fresh, healthy foods looking delicious.

I really need to start associating those bad foods with the "yuck" instinct. Maybe I should visualize a bug in them or visualize them making me sick or something. One time a dead bug in a frozen spinach packet turned me off spinach for years. One time some friends just joked that there were bugs or worms in chop meat or something like that it and took months before I could eat it. I loved cherries but I couldn't eat them for years after seeing the Witches of Eastwick (I still don't watch the cherry puking parts for fear I won't be able to eat cherries again). Or maybe I should watch something like "Meet your Meat" again... my cousins and I once watched some documentary about slaughter houses and another time I watched Meet your Meat, and I didn't eat a whole lot of meat for months after those shows. Not really vegetarian, I'd still have soup/broths, and fish, especially canned tuna and shell fish, but that's about it. Basically, if it evokes an image that is that strong of a turn-off, I can't eat it for a while. Maybe I need to do that with junk foods, fatty foods, fast foods like McDonalds.

That warding off temptation thing... I'm thinking of a talisman or some kind of mojo bag.

A little bit of magic works wonders

I have dropped below the 360 mark, so I am making some progress. I pray, Goddess, it continues. We're still in the "easy" phases (given my track record).

We went to Disneyworld yesterday, and I got to thinking about magic. Not magic like spells and spiritual magic, but a different kind of magic... the kind of magic I get at Disney.

Now I know it's not for everyone. I know some people abhor the crowds and lines, see theme parks as greedy and unnatural entities, think old Walt was a fascist & every other thing. You are entitled to your opinions, let's just say I don't share them, so be prepared for me to talk about Disney in a positive light.

We had wanted to go to Disney for 10 years... ever since we moved to FL, and we're about an hour's drive. We finally got annual passes this year so we can go for a day or an overnight, and we are taking full advantage of them!

Anyway, for me, that old Disney magic really grabs me and folds me into it's hold when I am there. The beloved childhood characters become real. The world is clean and beautiful and perfect. Every moment is breath-catching fun. I feel like a child again-- or maybe ageless, as if age and time don't exist, it's all frozen inside the bubble of Lake Buena Vista, Florida, as I frolic with chipmunks and rabbits and space aliens, whirling through the air on a flying elephant or roaring down waterfalls in a carved-out log.

Yesterday we went to Animal Kingdom, the newest of the 4 WDW theme parks. It has a very old-world and natural feel to it. I was less than six feet away from a giraffe (a real one!) and I got to scratch Thumper behind the ears, bask in dappled life beneath the tree of life, was almost eaten by a dinosaur, and, on an expedition to Mount Everest, narrowly escaped the clutches of the Yeti.

The point is, it is magical in my mind if I let it be, and I can immerse myself in that magic, and it makes me realize that anything is possible, that life is how you perceive it. These thoughts and feelings are inspiring, they give me hope and strength to look to the future. And we all can look and and find this kind of inspiration. For me, I can't help but see it everywhere-- Disney, art, nature itself... you might see it elsewhere, but look for it. It's there somewhere.

On a more practical level, I burned up a lot of calories. Granted I did have some ice cream there and ate some Burger King when we left, but life is about moderation, right? That's what I'm trying to achieve here-- balance-- not one extreme to the other. But still, I probably walked (and rode) the calories off and then some.

We plan to go back next Saturday, probably to Hollywood Studios, then EPCOT the week after that, and we're going for an overnight for my son's birthday on February 10th-11th and we'll do the Magic Kingdom.

Lots of walking coming... maybe I should change the name of this blog from "losing Weight with Witchcraft" to "Losing Weight with Theme Parks." I am on the Witchcraft diet and the Disney exercise plan.

It's Thor's Day

It's Thursday... Thor's Day. And I'm breathing in the strength of Thor with every pore in my being. And I am using that strength to battle the temptations... I want to smoke, and I want to pick on junk food. I am envisioning Thor here for me to support me and help me in my time of need as I call him... that he is using his hammer to smash those cravings and temptations to smitherines.

How can I lose with Thor on my side?

It's Tuesday night and I should be working or catching up on sleep.

I'm sick of hearing that weight loss is simply a matter of "eating less."

Because what no one realizes is that for many people, the question is, "well how do you do that?"

I wish the answer were as simple, but the sad case is that it's just not.

Eating habits are something that are developed over a lifetime, they are fairly deeply rooted.

When you throw in additional issues, such as hormonal problems or drugs that make you resistant to weight loss, physical ailments that prevent exercise, or people who have psychological issues with food such as comfort eaters, as well as the fact of how hard it is to break bad habits (like, how you eat day in day out your whole life).

Think about it-- we are programmed to want to eat. Go back to cave men days... eating is pleasurable because it is a necessary thing to do. Your body-- or brain-- or both-- urged you to eat because you had to eat to survive, so it made eating enjoyable. A happy experience. It's the same brain with the same instincts, but different environment now. Now, food is in abundance, but that doesn't change the instinct. Maybe this is why the more food is in abundance in our society, the more convenient and readily available unhealthy food is, the more the problem of obesity grew. Think about it-- even back in the 1800s most people had to work their asses off for food. Much was still home-grown and home-caught. Preparing it was a bitch with gathering wood and lighting fires making everything from absolute scratch without any electric appliances. But the more food became a commodity in the 20th century, the more people lost the battle of the bulge.

One of the worst things is that when you are addicted to food, you still have to eat. I mean, what's the first thing they tell you when you're addicted to drugs or alcohol? They tell you to stay the hell away from them! They tell you not to go to bars, not to keep the stuff in your house, and not to hang out with your old friends or in old places if it involves drugs or alcohol.

Do you know how hard it would be for a drug addict or alcoholic to be told, "here, you can have just a little every day, but just a little!" How many people do you think would be successful in shaking the addiction? Huh? How many would not be addicts any more and be able to live a normal life with a beer or a joint a day but never any more?

Meanwhile, we live in this society with a drive-thru window on just about every corner, we are assaulted with food ads on tv and in magazines, we have to eat to survive which means we have to partake of our addition on a daily basis and still manage to control it somehow even though genetic, psychological, physiological, plain old bad habits and ingeneous marketing campaigns are working against us.


We are supposed to fight temptation, when by all standards the temptation is completely overwhelming.

Frankly, I don't think being fat in the situation our society is in right now is all that surprising-- I think it is almost amazing that anyone managed to stay thin! While I applaud many of them who probably just had better discipline than I did, I'll bet that for many others of them they just got lucky and didn't have to defeat as many environmental and social and phsyiological factors as I do. So many of them cannot imagine the challenge as I face it.

And then the offered solution is to just "eat less" ???!!!???

Being fat is just the symptom... not being able to eat less (at least not for long periods of time) is actually the problem.

I am so sick of people acting like there is just some simple solution to the problem. If it were simple, obesity rates wouldn't be ever-growing. If it were simple, there wouldn't need to be 100 different diet plans on the market, and people wouldn't have to try 99 of them, because the first one would have worked. If it were simple people wouldn't be living their lives feeling miserable and unattractive, people would not be dying from weight-related diseases.

No, it's not simple to just eat less when every cell seems to be screaming at you to shovel something into your mouth, when it makes you want to cry because you want to eat something you shouldn't soooo badly, when you toss and turn at night and are all agitated and you can't think or get anything done because your brain is telling you to EAT EAT EAT whether your stomach is hungry or not.

Maybe that is something society needs to work on first if we are going to solve this obesity epidemic-- let's stop pretending it's easy. Let's stop pretending it's a matter of some minor modification. Let's stop pretending that it's not a complex problems with many, many different factors leading to it. Let's be intellectually honest and admit that it is hard, that it is complex, that there is no easy single solution.

Me, I ate some things this week that I shouldn't have. One night I had Doritos, Pepsi & chocolate. I was stressing and PMSing. But you know what, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. It happens. It's okay to have those things, as long as it is occasional-- moderate-- rather than habitual. For the most part, I've been eating my veggies & fruits, trying to cut down on the butter and mayo and other such stuff in everything, drinking water. All good things. Not as much exercise as I like, but I've had to work a lot lately and I work sitting on my ass.

But I'm going to Disneyworld this weekend so I'm going to do plenty of walking and very little eating because I can't afford the food there (I live near by, we have passes, but I couldn't go if I bought food there for the whole family! $10 just for a round of soft drinks! $50 and up for lunch at a snack stand! Umm, I love Disney, but no way). But I'm hoping that couple of days of light snacking and light eating and heavy walking and having too much fun to worry about food will push me under the 360 line.

Wow, less than 2 weeks now and you get the next photo. I guess I'll take it on the last day of the month. I wonder if there will be any difference? Maybe I should wear the same clothes and do the same pose so it will be easier to judge. I'm not kidding myself though, it might take a few more months for a noticable difference.

So the spell I am doing is to fight that voice in my head-- to silence it when it tells me to eat. I don't need it egging me on anymore, I'm not a cave woman. I know enough to put some food in my mouth 3 times a day, I don't need that voice tormenting me beyond that. I'm going to work this week to write it and figure out the best timing for it, but in the mean time I will begin adding it to my daily meditations and affirmations.

Still eating enchanted grapefruit, by the way. I eat 2 grapefruits each day in place of one meal, and they are so delicious! No qualms about it! I will be sad when I finish them probably by the end of this month. They were free! I love that!!!

But we are coming into strawberry season around here, when the local growers have them everywhere and soooo cheap and they are huge and red and sweet. So I will probably start eating those for the month of February.

I'm also getting ready for gardening next month (here in zone 8 we get 2 growing seasons) to set out tomatoes & peppers. I also will be putting up zucchini, cucumbers, carrots, lettuce & of course a variety of herbs. Believe it or not, I don't even have an actual garden, I have a sunny screened-in porch that gets great southern exposure, and I grow them in containers. This year I am trying to grow them upside-down. I've actually known about this for over 10 years but never had the need to do it before (or a good place to hang plants). Now since I've moved and I only have the small porch I'm going to give it a go.

I also want to get a bike so I can drive less around the neighborhood. I can take my poor dog for better walks, too-- he's so damn fast and likes to run, and I waddle so slow behind him. I do bring him to the dog park and let him off the leash and he runs in big laps around it for 20 minutes so fast I think he was a race horse in a former life. I can tell he wants to go faster, a bike will help. I wonder what the maximum amount of weight a bicycle can take? I wonder if I can afford to get one that can take my weight after I get under 300 lbs or something?

Ah, I've just been rambling for quite some time now, so, till next time...

Moving right along...

So I've had a bit of a cold and am out of it yesterday and today. And my computer is going wonky, the internet goes in and out, or it gets really slow. So I've just been avoiding it. Now I have all this work to catch up on. Going to be a long weekend.

Yesterday, I ate probably more than I should have... I was feeling peckish. Nothing crazy, not like I went out and binged on Taco Bell and Dairy Queen or anything like that-- I just kept picking on things like popcorn, crackers & cream cheese, lemon sorbet (my son made some out of the fresh lemons we got-- delicious, and fat free, but not calorie free).

Also, I realized, I was craving a cigg so it was some kind of oral fixation of wanting to put something in my mouth. But today I ate my enchanted grapefruits for breakfast and got back on track.

I was going to plan a spell for weight loss this weekend. I've been doing some bits of folk magic and whatnot, but haven't really designed a spell for my goal.

But my husband is getting laid off next month most likely (well, they said they'd try to place everyone in different departments when they close his, but it looks unlikely, and he's really depressed about the idea of going back to customer service or some other crappy, draining position like that), so I'm going to put the weight loss spell on the back burner and help him do some work towards getting another job. It's a tough economy, he's going to need all the help he can get, so send out prayers and good energy if you're out there.

(I wonder if anyone is actually out there?)

But I've been spending some time meditating on things I can do and I think I have some ideas. So far I am out of the gate but it is still early. I want to really be ready for battle in a month or so, when things really get tough.

I'm pretty out of it right now so I'm going to go before I start rambling incessantly.

Technically, it's Monday night, but we've gone and crossed over that midnight mark.

So, my husband did see the comment made about Peter DeLuise. Ah, well, not like he didn't know... he has his little fantasies too. At least my pic of Peter DeLuise was dressed, unlike some of my husband's fantasy pics I've found over the years.

He laughed his ass off at me, actually, and put a big pic of Peter DeLuise up on my desktop wallpaper. LOL.

I worked like the dickens for 3 days, then took the night off the computer on Sunday while my husband used it so I could scrapbook for a while.

And I got to thinking how people keep looking for these big, mystical, unexplainable things when they want magic.

So few people understand magic.


Real magic has always been the practical. That's why our ancestors did it back in the day. They weren't looking for party tricks, they were looking to get through. That's how they learned that herbs heal, how chanting can help program your mind toward your goal, how sounds and scents can motivate a person.

So as I am scrapbooking, I am thinking how people are missing the real magic in life because they are waiting for the fake stuff to happen before their eyes.

The magic of creativity-- how the act of creation can recharge your batteries, how it can sweep you up in elation. How it can make the challenges seem easier to surmount when you're on that creative high.

There's a little magic for you right there.

And what I did all day today-- cleaned! Yes, cleaned. Something about January and the after-holiday aftermath, I begin to want to start fresh and get things in order... call it an early Spring cleaning. So today I focused on the living room, re-arranged the furniture, organized a lot of crap and got rid of a grocery store wagon full of junk.

So I feel lighter now, fresher, more at ease, more harmonious. Though physically the work was hard and I'm tired, it was rejuvenating and energizing just the same.

And today I laughed with my kids. My oldest is out on her own, but my boys are 8 and 11 and they homeschool so they were here all day with me. After they did their assignments they helped me get some things in order. We smiled together, and joked, and felt the love.

This is the magic. This is the energy that gets us going and gives us the fortitude to meet our goals. These are the moments we live for, and they are magical.

And unfortunately, people underestimate real magic like this. They are waiting for someone to turn a guy into a frog or someone to fly on a broomstick. For some reason, these feats would satisfy them, as if such things would actually be useful. But our ancestors didn't do magic as parlor tricks to entertain each other, but to keep life flowing unimpeded and direct their paths towards the desired outcome.

And when you can do that, that's real magic, and you'd be amazed at the results.

Not to get political on you...

Today Ben Says: Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.

That's why I love him. Boy, if I had one wish, it would be to bring him back to life and send him to Washington. Let him talk to congress, the President, and address the nation to remind them of what attitude made this country great in the first place.

And I will leave it at that.
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So we got about 20 fresh lemons from someone in the neighborhood whose tree overfloweth with more than he needed. So my son, an 11 year old budding chef who got an ice cream maker for the holidays, is making a fat free lemon sorbet today. He just got done squeezing and the house smells wonderful-- all citrusy and lemony and fresh. I can't wait for dessert tonight. We're having veggie quiches for dinner and the sorbet afterward.


Thought I woke up with today: I really want to go to Disneyworld. We live less than an hour away and got seasonal passes this year and it's just my happy place, what can I say?

I feel like going to Animal Kingdom, but because of not working last week, we're behind on bills, and so I have to work this week and I have to be frugal this week, and the house cleaning needs some catching up too.

Ah, well. Maybe if I work really, really hard I will be able to make it next weekend. I could use a Disney fix.

Totally random thing: I don't have cable, so I went digging through the video cabinet last week for something to put on as "background noise." As I did some chores, and I pulled out my old 21 Jumpstreet videos. I like them better than the new DVDs because they have the original 80's soundtrack, I taped them when the show originally aired. I used to love that show, realize I still do. It's a dang good show. Johnny Depp is so young, he looks like a baby. And Peter DeLuis is amazingly mouthwateringly hot. I want to just put him on a silver platter and feast. Mmmm. I hope my husband doesn't read this blog.

Magical talk later. For now, work. I will be back tonight.

Go with the Flow...

Water.

Sacred Element of life.

Water has the power to move mountains, to carve through the Earth, to alter the physical.

Physically, our bodies are mostly made up of water. The planet is mostly made up of water.

Metaphysically, Water represents fluidity, emotions, introspection, healing, purification, rejuvenation... the ebb and flow of life... water helps bring balance... water nourishes and nurtures us and shapes us from the time we are in the womb.


Western River,
Devotee of the moon,
Gentle sculpter
Of Babes in the womb
Spring of jubilation
Courage and Tears
Giver of the sweet love
That soothes all our fears
(from Reclaiming & Friends, Second Chants)

Ocean Mother healing
She is the healer of the Earth
Ocean Mother crying
She is the mourner of the Earth
Ocean Mother laughing
She is the brightness of the Earth
Ocean Mother birthing
She is the cradle of the Earth
(Inanna Arthen, Mother Tongue, All Beings of the Earth)


I woke up thinking this as I grabbed for a bottle of water.

Tarot of the day: 3 of cups. Coincidence? Possibly... or maybe there are no coincidences.


Today is Friday, the perfect day to build an altar to water. I will build it on the western wall, with a shimmery blue cloth, and place on it a silver cup, and sea salt in a sea shell, and I will invoke a Water Goddess and receive the energy of water. And I'll put my bottles of water for the day, and inscribe the bottles with the ancient rune LAGAZ which is associated with the element of Water and the human psyche. And I will cleanse that water and charge it to do what it exists to do... to transform and nourish and purify me inside and out... and go to that altar on Fridays to pay honor and make libations in gratitude.

(photo by me by the way... like it?)

Just Peeking In...

I had planned mainly to write at night before retiring, but because I usually go to bed after midnight it posts as the next day. Maybe I should indicate night posts or day posts.

This is definitely a day post, I'm just peeking in, which I'll so sometimes if I sit to take a break and mess around with E-mail, web surfing or games. Last couple of days, this whole thing has been heavy on my mind though so I guess I keep wandering here as I make my plans of what to do next.

The urge to smoke has passed for the most part (though it does get worse at night, I'll admit). I'm at my mother's house and I'm happy to say I am not only not stealing one of her ciggs, I also turned down a can of Pepsi.

I did however indulge in a single chocolate covered cherry and let it just melt in my mouth while I savored it. I know I'm trying to lose weight, but really, a life without the occasional chocolate is just not worth living. Moderation, and all that.

That 10 of Swords is still making me nervous just looking at it. I guess I'm still sensitive from my meltdown last weekend, but I keep fearing that something is going to happen to cause another one. I know there is no real personal connection to the computer-generated "Tarot of the Day" in the sidebar, it's not like doing a personal reading, however that card gives me the creeps no matter where it shows up... maybe I'll get lucky and a more positive card will pop up tonight/tomorrow and I'll feel a lot better after getting through the day. And if we manage to get the rent/bills in order by the end of the week/week end, I'll feel a lot better by Monday.

I can't let these negative thoughts weight me down. I am a firm believer that when you act/think/feel negatively, you just draw more negativity to yourself. When you act/think/feel positively, you draw more positive energy to yourself. 2% of life is what happens to you, and the other 98% is how you react to it.

So I need to get a grip, stop being all tense and nervous and paranoid and start taking more control. I have tackled greater challenges in the past and I have rebounded from bigger set backs. I am capable and hard work/effort/planning will always win out. I need to go meditate to remind myself of all this and internalize it because there seems to be a part of me that is just resistant to it and the tension/paranoia keep creeping in. I kept tossing and turning last night dreaming of "worst case scenario" type dreams with everything I am worried about.

See you tonight.

Oops... I didn't need to think about that

Tarot of the Day: 10 of swords (shudder). A lot of people who don't understand the Tarot get freaked out by the Death card or the Devil, which aren't really that bad. But the 10 of Swords. (shudder again). That's one I really hate to see.

And it's not one I needed to think about tonight. If you look at the card in most decks, you'll see some poor guy lying in a pool of his own blood with 10 swords sticking up out of him . It indicates utter defeat. Game over, you lose, big time.

Food-wise I'm doing okay, though I'm not really on any majory restrictive diet. I'm eating in moderation, upping the veggies and water and lean meats, passing on more fatty and sugary things. Basically, following the food pyramid. I'm not counting calories or anything.

Take today's menu, for example. For breakfast, a cup of coffee with some sugar and fat free half & half, and a grapefruit with Splenda. For lunch, there was a big bowl of leftover mixed veggies (mostly broccoli, also peas, carrots, corn, green beans) from last night's crockpot chicken & veggie meal. No meat, no butter or sauces or anything, just the seasoned veggies-- must have been close to two cups. For dinner we had spaghetti (one of the few white-flour carbs I'll allow), but I had a smaller serving of the pasta, about half a plate that I normally would. I home-made the sauce (no meat) so it was basically pure tomatoes with spices-- just a small splash of olive oil to sweat the onions & garlic, but I made about 4 quarts so it doesn't amount to much per serving. Half the sauce is in the freezer now for next Wednesday (Wed. is almost always spaghetti night at our house). With it I made some baked zucchini with the tomato sauce, garlic and just a hint of low-fat mozarella cheese (about 1/2 ounce per serving). I didn't bread or fry them, though. Then we had fat free angelfood cake with Cool Whip lite and strawberries for dessert, and I had another cup of coffee. I drank crystal lite with dinner and water the rest of the day.

Not bad-- good food, home-made, satisfying, no excess fats, a little sugar today but nothing excessive. I also walked the dog for about an hour to and from the market, and spent a few hours doing a really good "Winter Cleaning" on my kitchen-- gave everything a good wipe & sweep & mop, from top to bottom, behind the stove, fridge, inside cabinets, pulled everything out of the fridge and washed it down inside and out, re-arranged some shelves though most of the cabinets were already organized so I just wiped them down... I'm tired. That was a fair bit of exercise if I do say so myself. I'm not the most active person, I don't go jogging or anything, but I'm not totally stationary, either... I go places with the kids, walk, I like to camp and swim when I can, and the cleaning seems to offer at least moderate activity each day.

So it's not so much the food/weight loss that worries me tonight. It's the smoking. I'm still having niccotine cravings. I think it's stress because of financial difficulties. We were already behind on some things, and then when I had my melt-down last weekend I didn't work as I had planned, so now I'm going to be about $250 short on the bills/expenses, and this is stressing me out because I'm afraid something is going to cave in, because my husband and I tonight realize we have to pretty much choose between food/laundry/gas, or rent & electricity. Not a fun decision and I just don't know where we're going to come up with the money by Monday. It wouldn't be so bad, but all the late fees have killed us now.

If we fail to pay rent, we're going to get tossed out fast-- it's pretty scary. The laws around here are in favor of the landlord, and we're in a very big, impersonal complex. The rent is due on the first and you have till about the 11th or 12th to pay it, and if not you have 3 days to get out. The sherriff shows up on the 15th, or that's what they tell me.

We're such good tenants... quiet, clean, take care of the place, friendly, don't pester the management office with minor things, and almost always pay on time. I think this is our 2nd time being late with the rent in the last 10 or 12 years, and only by a week last time. I've never even had a security deposit kept on me because when I've moved I give proper notice, wait out the lease, and the condition of the apartment is usually better than it was when I moved in.

But this place we just moved into last year is strict, you have to pay the water with the rent & electricity because they want to make sure tenants keep their utilities up to date. If you don't pay it all, they won't just accept the rent alone.

Like I said, we're about $250 short on that, and if we do come up with the money it will leave us penniless for another 10 days or so till I get paid for some work I did, so I don't know how my husband will get to work or how we'll feed the kids or clean the clothes once we pay-- but we can't go homeless I guess, so really there is no choice.

We pretty much earn too much to try and get any kind of assistance from the government, but too little to really pull ahead and get comfortable. We've had a few setbacks in the last year with this economy, my husband lost all his overtime and times are just tough... top it off, my husband is getting laid off at the end of the month so hopefully he'll find another job within the next 6 weeks. We're just having a bad month, really, I'm sure we'll be back on track next month, I'm sure he'll find something even if he has to take a couple of part time jobs for the time being stocking groceries or delivering pizza until something better comes through...

So yeah, sorry... digressing; but it's all part of the stress that is making me want to smoke, and that 10 of Swords is not making me feel very confident. I really don't know where I'll go if I lose this place, my whole family would have to move into my mother's spare room or something and it would be a scramble. i have never been evicted before so part of me would be mortified, and the other part would be really bummed because we moved around a couple of times in the last couple of years because we couldn't find a place we liked, and we really like this place.

So... I'm doing some little charms for money and holding my breath. Keep us in your prayers if you're out there reading this and got through this rather lengthy rant. Sorry to complain. Wow, I've been doing a lot of that lately it feels like. But I guess getting the things off my chest that make it difficult is all part of the journey, huh?